I’ve Become so Numb….

Whoever knew me as kid will tell you right away that I was always the one you could… I was always the ,

, (okay my weight may be to blame a lil for this) but I have always been and ,

Okay I could go on forever….but I have changed over the years. I mean I am still all those things but I feel like my husband has made me less confident. a homebody and just stuck in our solitude and if we ever go out it is always just the 2 of us. And I am starting to hate that. When I was out with new friends, I was so happy. I am so happy when I am out and mixed with people…although it does make me sad when I see    and I was on my own. Because my husband was at home, recovering from a hangover, or still drinking (I came home to a flat stinking of alcohol) or he was sleeping, or like when I came home he was talking to someone about trading.

The other day I was a bad wife, because I hadn’t done his laundry and he had no clean clothes to wear, I was a bad wife because I didn’t cook supper. I am ignorant because I don’t always understand what he says in Zulu. Just because I don’t want to learn about trading and I am okay with working for a ‘WHITE MAN’ he looks down on me. When in actual fact I am financially (asset and liquid cash) worth more than him. I may have my father to thank for that, but then at least I got a father who cares about me and my future as supposed to one that he hasn’t seen in over 12 years and even though he may speak to him every now then, his father is pretty much dead set on never returning to South Africa and has left his sons to fend for their-selves. 

When these days happened; him drunk,  me feeling pointless and left out and feeling depressed and confused, I used to just curl up in my bed and cry. And now, lately, I am all about doing something; Going Out, Making Plans, Seeing People, Being the Person I was Before. 

 

Today I saw my father and I told him my plan with what I want to do with my money and my life. He smiled and said how happy he was for me. It felt good hearing him say that. He commented on how he sees me doing something and going out there and making plans. It really felt like he saw me for the Woman that I am and Becoming.