I’m a Sucker!!

Last night he went to be at like 20H13 (not sure why he went to bed so early…could be that he was stoned or that he really was just tired) but he was snoring from then. We hadn’t spoken since he told me that he ‘Accidentally’ left a CBD Gummy in the bowl of sweets he gave me.

So while he was sleeping I decided to send a whatsapp to his work phone…and now all morning we have been talking.

 I don’t understand how you could have forgotten you left a CBD sweet in the bowl of sweets you gave me.

I don’t think I can ever get over this!

You know how I feel about weed.

To me this all seems as if this is what you wants. That you intentionally gave me a CBD sweet.

I honestly think we need to sever ties. We keep fighting and we are never going to work. Our past is to                                       tainted. Your drinking is always going to be an issue for me and you are never going to stop nor do you                                     actually want to stop.

We are not good for each other

 It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to forget a sweet.

 

Right now I know he is just telling me things that I want to hear and sucking up to me and making me want to believe that I can trust him and that we will get through all this. A huge part of me wants to believe that this is the final straw that broke my back and I am ready to follow through and have him leave me.

I am not wearing any of my rings and a huge part of me is okay with that. But while I was driving to work an even bigger part of me held back tears, didn’t want to ruin my makeup, when I realized that I am doomed to never be loved and to live alone and never have my own children. This is it! I am 36 and doomed to be alone.

Because I love him so much I have forgiven so much, but now that there is no more trust I don’t think I can get over that. Yes when he gave me the sweets he did joke about them being “his sweets” – but how was I meant to know that he meant they were CBD sweets and anyway when I asked him after eating up the whole bowl full of sweets he said he didn’t drug me.

If I were to forgive him, can I honestly believe that this would never happen again?

Who am fulling? Over the past 10+ years we have read this exact script, only know the whole ‘accidental’ drugging saga has been added.

I just wish that I had somewhere to go so I could be on my own and really see how life on my own would be.

Maybe because we had such a lot of fun when we were younger that he doesn’t realize that we are now adults and being an adult comes with responsibilities and no more fucking around.

• we used to spend hours going out and getting drunk
• we used to eat junk food from 24/7 garage shops (hence why I got to the point that I needed to have a bariatirc op)
• it has just been us so we can stay up til late and do whatever we want

But I am 36…gonna be 37 in a few months and he is 39…he will be 40 next year. When is he going to grow up and realize life is more than just partying and being stupid!

Just got a message from him telling me that he isn’t feeling well so he left work and his going back home. Yeah well who knows what shit is in his stomach that is not working very well. I mean this sounds like the exact thing that I have often found myself daydreaming about…him actually getting seriously hurt from all the drinking and other shit he does to himself…but honestly, I don’t want that to ever happen, I just want him to learn a lesson and actually stick to something that makes his life better.

 

I think I have reached my cap and he is going to have to be serious and prove it to me or he is going to have to pack up and find someone else to pull around.

I have reached my cap!

I am not going to follow anymore. I need to get back on track in making myself better and getting healthy, he wants to be on the downward spiral of fucking up then he can go down that road on his own and I am not even going to stand by and watch.

No more!!