I Want to be a Mommy…

I can’t stop thinking of her…

On Saturday part of the Main Rd in by suburb was closed off so shops and restaurants could spill out onto the street. It was a blast. Walking up and down the street dancing to whatever tunes the bands were playing and sipping my cocktail.

While walking my husband called me over to look at a baby girl being pushed in a pram by her mother. She was so adorable.

 I stroked her hand with my finger…she immediately grabbed onto it and every now and then would pull my finger into her mouth. When I gave her the  she would spit it out and stick my finger in her mouth.

I so want a baby… I don’t care what my financial and residential situation is. I am just so tired of seeing pictures of all my friends with their babies and seeing strangers with theirs and I don’t have my own.

Last week I made an appointment to meet with a Fertility Doctor.

I know my body is not really on board with the whole falling pregnant thing and it is the 21st century so there are medical ways to try and get it on board…and should that fail will just have to be serious with adoption. I mean I do want to adopt but I do want to fall pregnant too. I want G-d to bless me with a child of my own (an adopted child would be a blessing too) but…I don’t know…all I know is that I want to be a mother soon! And falling pregnant does kinda cancel all the bureaucratic steps adoption will require.

I know one should never think this or fall pregnant for this reason…but maybe me falling pregnant is the band aid my marriage needs.

I come home to my husband still working…he works way past the UK business hours.

I will greet him in the study and all I can smell in that room is alcohol.

Since the weekend we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms. We speak to each other when we have to and say the bare minimum. I just want to be on my own with my baby. I don’t believe that he loves me. I feel neglected. I just think that my life really sucks right now.