I Really Wanna Give Up!

Give Up on my life!

Give Up on my dreams!

Give Up on my marriage!

Give Up on Living.

I am sitting at work right now and all I want to do is cry. I feel so alone and just wish that I was alone so the feelings were understandable. But I live in a flat with my husband and he is either busy working or drinking whenever he can.

Even though I apologize for the harsh things I have said and he has accepted my forgiveness he loves to throw it in my face the day after our argument and I am feeling shit.

Being married and an adult sucks!

He is the one that never has money and I am the one that needs to balance the accounts. But he drinks!

I go all silent and he eggs me on and so I get loud and say hurtful things. And if I just keep silent, I am ignoring him and don’t care.

He is dealing with stresses from his mother and father and sister and he kids, and his job is demanding as his subordinates are not doing their jobs properly and I am not there for him or understand, but he will buy that liquor and he will guzzle it down.

Yesterday his father gave him some money so he can put petrol in his car…not sure how much petrol he was planning on putting in the car with R 400 when the petrol price is R 22.84/l, but he managed to buy himself a +/- R 284.80 bottle of vodka and get me a R 14.95 bar of chocolate. I didn’t eat the chocolate I just left it on his side of the bed. When he pointed out the chocolate I told him that I didn’t want something to sweeten me up because he bought himself alcohol.

I spent the whole of yesterday watching the Twilight Sagas. All 5 movies, tried to figure out how I loved those books and movies back in my early twenties and as much as I enjoyed watching the movies yesterday, I was not feeling as invested in them…well I am now 36, but Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are good looking actors! Oh wow Robert is actually a few months older than me. Taylor is 32 so I don’t feel too bad now… But like I seem to be doing a lot these days was just wishing I had an Edward Cullen or Jacob Black. Just imagine there being someone that loved you so much and even though he did not live close to you or see you, just the idea of you no longer being alive was enough to make them want to die. My husband loves me so much he questions me for spending money on furthering my education, without speaking to him about it and letting him know that I am spending my own money on my education. Just because he once asked me if I thought he was a Gold-digger and I kept quiet.

I got into work this morning and immediately googled up retreats for wives. All I could think about this morning was just running off and going off the grid. I would just send a message to family that I am fine, but I was going away for some quiet.

When I was driving to work, and I was listening to Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood Fighter I felt like Keith was speaking to me.

Keith Urban – The Fighter ft. Carrie Underwood (Official Music Video) – YouTube

 

  

He is the reason I wipe away tears all the time.

 

Okay he does hold me.

Oh My Gosh! Now I am listening to Keith Urban sing 

Keith Urban – Making Memories of Us – 2023 – Choctaw Casino – OK – YouTube

Maybe I should let go of My Tom Cruise and maybe I will be lucky enough to catch myself my Keith Urban.

Maybe I should pack up bags and move over to New Zealand or Australia. But my problem is that I am scared and just cannot let go.