I love him but…

…I sat in an Ala-non meeting today. So much was running through my mind.

   

 

And probably so much more!

and

for letting an alcoholic dictate my life. Why am I willing to join a meeting so I can learn how to live with him and his destructive behavior. I was putting my life and my day on hold because of him.

But I left the meeting being told how to live my life for myself and to leave him out of it. Immediately as I heard that, I was getting ready to WhatsApp my friends and invite them to join me for lunch next week Sat. In my head I am already feeling the drive to want to change my life and let him sulk in his alcohol. I feel bad for thinking that way, but for too long I have let him and his behavior dictate my life.

I don’t understand how us smart people and people with so much potential are just sitting in isolation (And with each other via Zoom) listening on how to live with an alcoholic. We are choosing to adjust our thinking and living because of how an alcoholic chooses to harm us.

 At the end of it I left helped and ready to take on what they said and willing to adjust my life for him and the way he has made it. At the end of the day, I love him so much that I am living the way I am because I don’t want to loose him and I am adjusting to accommodate his lifestyle to my life…is it the other way around?

Okay, I know that all that I have just said isn’t it entirely, but when you think about it, that is what we are doing. We know that what they choose is wrong and hurtful and so because we choose to live with them and with all the negativity, we are accommodating it.

I don’t want to be alone so I am going to live with an alcoholic, but is that really living, when I am home all the time because I am too embarrassed to go out with him and then risk him getting drunk in public. I am fat because I comfort myself with wrong foods and I don’t get out enough because I don’t want to go out and do things on my own and then when I am with my friends I have to listen to them go on about their husbands and children and how wonderful their lives are. While I am writing this, I realize that I have chosen a shit life and a shit person to live it with.

While I was sitting in the meeting he came into our bedroom, asking me for his cellphone’s PUK number because he blocked himself out of it. So I opened the Network App and gave it to him. He got cross because it wasn’t working. So I asked him for his phone…he hadn’t locked himself out of it, he just needed to put in his phone pin. I put it in and then he was back on and he laughs. I am now pissed off because I have missed out on some of the talk….just to help him and his petty problem.

I tell him I am in a meeting so he leaves me in our bedroom. But a few min later he sends me a message to tell me that he is hungry and I must cook for him. Like WTF?

I was thinking about ordering us take out supper now….but I don’t want to get him anything and I don’t want to eat take out in front of him.

I don’t know if he was drinking today, I won’t ask and I didn’t see him drinking. But if he was, that just pisses me off!

Because after basically moaning about having limited money for Petrol and Electricity he managed to find money for BOOZE!

The past few days I have been glued with watching

and today I watched 4 episodes of

 

I cannot believe how these people fell for Simon Leviev and Anna Sorokin/Delvey. But while watching some of the scenes/episodes I realize that I am in a way, just like the victims. I have fell for his manipulation and felt to be at fault and to blame sometimes for his behavior and I have let him control me and I have discredited my name just to help him and make life better for us. I mean thankfully I don’t owe any banks thousands of dollars or blacklisted my name anywhere…but…

So I came up with this idea this week….

We would open up a bank account with Discovery and both put money into it and from it all house expenses would come off it. Whatever was left in our personal bank accounts would be for our personal use and the Discovery Account would be just for us and our home. When that money was out it was up to us to personally transfer more or we would suffer just suffer until the next debit order date.

Now this is a great idea and all…but he wouldn’t go to the bank with me yesterday. I have began to open the account and all is merry and well.

But then I am watching  and  and realize if anything goes wrong it is all on my name. Creditors will come hounding on my door, and I will have everything taken from me and he could walk away clean because legally we are not married and legally nothing is really on his name. FUCK! As I am writing this I am feeling more stupid.

 is he really worth all of this?

In Ala-non I was advised to give it 6 months. Be me and do me and live for me and see if he changes in those 6 months. Well when 6 months comes I will be a 36 year old women who has dedicated her adult life to a man but hasn’t really got anything to show for it.

Okay, so I won’t leave him…

I admitted to the group how I have often dreamed of how he would drink himself to death…they all laughed and said that when they first joined the group they too dreamt that their alcoholic spouse would get hit buy a bus. It was nice to know that I wasn’t on my own with such horrible thoughts. But now I am thinkin how if I just focus on myself and make him see what he is missing he will want to change his life or will want to leave.

And since I m not strong enough to leave him, maybe that is the best thing. Live my life in such a way that he is either forced to  adapt to it and make the change or he is forced to leave.

 but right now things are going well in my life. I am truly happy and have the potential to live in an even happier way and to truly make the most out of my life.