I Just Want to Give Up!
I am so done with life. I know I don’t have the guts to do it and feel like I don’t have the right to do it and just feel bad for all that I would leave behind, but I am so over life and the shit it brings! Or at least has bought for me.
Tuesday was a public holiday and so I had no work to go to and so spent the day in bed watching the Lincoln Lawyer…I needed a refresher before the new season starts soon. I kept napping off and crying and watching Netflix and crying and stressing.
Thursday was somewhat better at work today. I was up and about and doing stuff but I won’t lie and say I didn’t cry and stress. My bio mother knows money is an issue for me but she will still phone and ask me. She phoned during my work this morning asking for money do catch transport to do something which I know is important as it is about the RAF paying her out for an accident that she was in while being in a taxi….anyway so I gave her the money since I did get paid from my previous job…the &$@*ers didn’t even pay me half my salary…
Just got paid from my new job and wasn’t much…well more than my previous job and I couldn’t have expected the full salary since I have only been working there for 2 weeks now… but I don’t know how I am going to make ends meet this month.
didn’t pay last month so went the month without medical aid and I need my meds…I am wanting to cry all the time… When I am just sitting and doing nothing…when I wake up…while I am writing this post…
Well that was a given already…I was hoping that we could some how make it work.
My husband has agreed that he will be paying the lawyer today…so I am not sure how much he can contribute towards our living.
I am so sick and tired of living pay check to pay check. I am so sick of being alone and not having anything to my name and I want more from life. I want to live life and not have life live me.
Since I don’t have the time to write posts anymore I was going to end so many times these past few days but I find it so therapeutic.
But for now I think I need to stop.
Aah…I need to go to work!
I wish we all had a more supportive community and network of people to depend on in times like these. Every person struggling individually sucks.
I totally understand you, @jubaliee. But my problem is that I only turn for help when I have no where to go. I like to think I can do it all on my own but I do have a very supportive family who are always willing to help, I am just too ashamed to ask and to disrupt them from their lives.
@ncumisa I get that too, not saying this is what you have but it’s sometimes called toxic independence. I have it. It’s from childhood trauma when people didn’t show up for you when you needed it, so now you’ve learned to handle all your own issues independently and struggle to ask for help. I have no advice as I’m still this say LOL!
still this way*
@jubaliee nice to know that this has a name or description. Thanks. We will be ‘Toxic-ally Independent” together 😜I like the ‘independent’ part…
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