I Finally Love Myself More.

Something that I have always loved doing and got him to love doing too is to look at property. Yes, it is shitty making agents work so hard and push to sell us a house when we know in reality we are not going to buy it but still we love going to these houses and seeing the dream is in it.

Well today started with me on a shit mood…went to my appointment to get my hair done…and while no one was looking I shed a tear….
Went to go fetch my husband so we could go look at the houses…of course he wasn’t ready for me so while I waited in the car and put on some make up, I cried a lil more…

He gets on the car at last…immediately I am holding my breathe from the odour he brought into the car…the odour of a barrel of liquor. I asked if he has been drinking already and he said no… either way how can you stink so much of alcohol?? I know when I woke up this morning and he was up getting ready he didn’t stink so much of alcohol…so either he lied to me or I was smelling things…

Well I couldn’t have been smelling things as I continued to smell it off him all day….
I don’t know if was more consumed with embarrassment from the way he smelt and behaved while viewing houses or if I was filled more with love that I felt when viewing these houses.
I kept picturing how perfect my life would be in the one house we saw…I planned how I would furnish it and what I would do or add… it was my dream…but I was standing next to my nightmare.

Had to do some stuff at the shops and so he was with me and we got some stuff done….

* priced a bday gift for my nephew (his bday is at the end of August)

* bought my nephew a bday present (his bday is at the end of this week)

*my husband got his nephew a 21st bday present. (Which was what I got him for his 40th bday, only it was about a grand less, yet still an original…and it did come out of our “joint” bank account, so that was technically my money since it is money that he contributes towards our expenses which is kinda paying me for how I cover all the bills anyway)

* I sorted out my phone contract, so from August I will be paying a shit load less than what I am paying now. While we were in the cellphone store he was speaking to another consultant about getting a PS5 on contract. I went up to them and queried one what contract this was going to be on. My husband claimed it would be on his name…I queried the consultant how that was possible since his cellphone is on my name and I am paying for it blah blah blah…so in order for him to get the PS5 on the current contract I would have to approve, and I didn’t. Since he doesn’t have any accounts officially on hi name and because they are so strict with PS5 contracts it would be a long process for him to get it and so he decided to leave it.

We decided to have an early supper… I was starving and wasn’t planning on cooking when got home and he was starving too….
We went to a steakhouse…and he paid the bill. We spent 85% of the dinner talking about his drinking and what I want…actually he did most of the talking.
He promised he wouldn’t drink if I did not touch chocolate ever again. I declined that… He explained why he drank…He kept asking me if I hate him…

In the end the dinner ended with me calling it… I can’t keep going on with this relationship. After agreeing to end our relationship I took off my engagement and wedding ring and put in the my jacket. When I got home, I immediately put the rings on this bedside table and prepared to shower and get into bed.

During supper I had a drink so I am ready to konk out and go to sleep.

I am now going to end my night as a single 37 year old woman. He kept going on about how he believes I have a wealthy man on the side. Now if that were true it would be somewhat great, but I don’t. So I see myself living the rest of my life on my own…or please G-d maybe as a single mother. Loving someone has hurt me. Trying to live the the rest of my life with this person has made me broke and empty.

But hey…I now love myself enough to finally not accept the shit he gives me. While I was in the shower he came into the bathroom and asked me if I really hate him so much…and I replied telling him “…I just love myself more!”