I Don’t Love Myself Enough…

Lately I have been reading a lot of books of wives having affairs and the one book that I loved was the one where she left her husband for the other guy.

I don’t want to cheat on my husband but I just wish that he would stop making me feel like shit for when I call him out on what he is going to do. He has these legal issues because of the accident that he was in early this year. On Monday I got involved and even started considering paying the other party off because they are threatening suing my husband because his insurance won’t reimburse them the full amount of their claim.
Today he managed to take time off from work to go and drink… this was after he shouted at me for not understanding his stresses about all this shut. How the fuck can he say that when I am the one that got the other driver to lay off with legal actions against my husband and to give me some time to try and get his insurance party to pay up? How the fuck can he say all this when I am the reason he has a warm bed to sleep in every night and has food in his stomach when ever he gets hungry.

Yes he is there for me to cuddle, hug, kiss and share life and the bed with hug I think I would be happier if I was on my own.

I hate being married to him! I hate sharing my life with him! But I don’t know what to do.

I am almost gonna be 37 and I feel so alone and unloved. I am so done trying and hurting myself so much.

My Bio Mother is on her way to stay with me for a week and I just wish she wasn’t so I could drown in my own tears and I wouldn’t have to deal with having to put on an act.

I am such a fucking fool for choosing this life when there have been many times I have landed up in this exact same position over the years.

I am sitting in bed typing this post up on my phone while I cry and he is speed horizontally across the bed snoring because he is drunk or whatever. I could stretch my legs and kick him in the head.

Earlier when he told me he was going out and I asked him if he was going to the liquor store he was quick to tell me no he was doing something his colleague asked him to do…. Like WTF? He works for a UK company and everything is done online. Yes they both live in South Africa but what on earth would he need to go and do for her away from the computer? While I was thinking this he had the audacity of accusing me of always thinking the worst of him and not for not being on his side and being there for him. Just this morning he said he told me how his boss was making him work over time and not paying him correctly and how he was working so hard…. I have told him numerous of times over the years to look for another job….so I told him there was nothing more that I could say to him about his job because he always defends them and doesn’t want to leave them…he then shouts at me for not listening to him when he has been complaining about how his work has been working him and how he is getting nothing in return. I just kept quiet because no matter what I said to him it was all my fault. He went on about how he wanted to study property and how I told him the real estate market was stagnant…. I told him that it is but pointed out how I offering to pay for the course. But of course I am not on his fucking side. I am the bad one.

While I think of all this I think about how in the books I have read when the guilty party has been called out for their wrong, they deflect and call out he other person and make them feel shit. I should be happy to be seeing my bio mom but instead I am crying while listening to Love Island and his snoring.

I want to be living my life with a partner. A true man. An adult. Maybe I just want to be with a man who has money but doesn’t love me. Or maybe I want to be with a man who can handle shit and life. Or maybe I want a man who has something besides debts to his name. All I know is that I don’t want to be married to the man that I am married to now. And I don’t know how to right this fucked up shit story my life has become.

Suicide is looking real great right now! Of course I am not gonna do it…but I kinda get how many people get to the point where death seems like the best and only option.

Fuck I am so over this shit! I am so over life! I am so over love and marriage and adulthood! I have said this before and until I fix this I am gonna keep saying it but I am a fucking fool and joke seriously is on me!