I Don’t know if I believe it…

Today he went to see our ‘marriage counselor’ and…he was pretty open about what was said…

…apparently she doesn’t think he is an alcoholic or needs to go to rehab. He has just had traumatizing episodes which resulted in him using alcohol badly and releasing his anger while being intoxicated. According to her; he shouldn’t completely stop drinking but rather continue to drink but sporadically.

I Don’t know if I believe it…

…at least not entirely.

Today when he was telling me all this…I actually believed him…I let him drink alcohol in front of me…I let him use my Bank Card to purchase me ice cream…knowing damn well he was going to buy Vodka…

Now I know there is a taxi and bus war…so what happened to him, yesterday is plausible…but I Don’t know if I believe it…

I think my problem is that I love him and I so want to believe in the good and enjoy our days free from the daily life stresses, that I will over look it all…until I get to a point where I am so angry with him and the situation, that we just end up arguing. 

I am holding on so much because I do love him and I do wish we had a good life and I don’t want to be alone. 

I am such a contradiction. 

He went out to get us supper…I wasn’t in the mood for anything but I went along and told him to get me Mc Donald’s. He got KFC in the end…and got me something that is not what I would ever eat and I ended off just eating the chips and throwing the rest away…

While he was gone to get supper…I thought about doing it. Ending my life. If I had to die, it wouldn’t be so bad would it? I mean yeah so the people that love me would be upset and they would miss me but they would move on. 

I just want want to be with my mommy so much. I could really use a hug from her, right now.