I Don’t Know How He Does It…

Lately I have been wondering….

He says he hasn’t been drinking, but I don’t don’t know if it just me looking to point a finger at him and prove how stupid I am for believing in him…or maybe he has been drinking and is just lying to me when I ask.

But do I want to continue to live a life where I am always wondering? If he acts differently, or his eyes look all red and tired….when he has a slightly heavy British accent…am I always going to wonder?

Last night I slept in the spare bedroom because he was snoring real loud and the bedroom wreaked of alcohol…

But he says he hasn’t been drinking and assures me that he threw out the Vodka that was on top of the fridge.  I really want to believe him…but don’t they say that when a person deflects so hard, like he has been, that means that they are hiding the truth?

But then how can I say I truly love him and am there for him and want my marriage to work if I am not going to believe him?

Deep down I know I want to end things but I love him too much to do it myself and would rather he just leaves me. But I love him too much to think of my life without him.

Often I wonder if I was thinner and made more an effort to be beautiful and make other men on the street look snd whistle at me, in front of my husband, he would see just what he has and he would want to be better for me and himself.

He often tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me, but I then wonder if he is just saying that to me to make me believe that he is all in when infact he is just happy living off me and living life the way I have created it to be for us.

Last night he asked me if I would date someone after him… I told him that right now I was married to him and I wanted my life to be with him, but I couldn’t say what I would do if we were no longer together. In the back of my head I kept replaying the things he has said about how, if I were to ever have an affair he would kill the guy and then kick me out and then get into bed and sleep peacefully.

I am freaked out about how he stresses that to me. I doubt I would ever have an affair, but sometimes I do fantasize about being with a man…someone who would treat me right, not that he doesn’t, someone to make me feel special and who would be the true man of the house and would really love me.  I feel so bad when I have those thoughts…I feel bad because I know my husband loves me and…I feel bad because I know it is wrong to think that way…and…when I am married how can I think about someone else and if I really want all that why am I staying in a relationship…in a marriage where I am left with all these questions and confusion.

Yesterday was our 3 year wedding anniversary but he forgot…and I had no intention of celebrating it. But now I wonder if this is how my life is always going to be. Never celebrating my birthday, or wedding anniversary…unless I plan it never, I will never go out and be dined and cherished.

It is 18h50 and he is snoring while past out on the couch. When he came home from work he said he was tired…even though he has been on leave for 3 weeks…he went to bed early last night. I thought I could smell alcohol wreak off him when we were talking earlier…but maybe that is all in my head.

I don’t know what to do. Well I want him to leave me…I don’t know how to make him leave me and I know if I get my father or sisters involved they would make it happen…they would make him leave, but I don’t want to be without him. So I think maybe taking myself out of the picture would just be easier. If I was no longer living then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this confusion and pain.

While he is snoring I smell alcohol…maybe I am just driving myself crazy thinking that is what I smell, when in fact it is just my mind making me believe the worse case scenario.  And if it is in fact alcohol then what do I do when he wakes up?