I Backed Out!!
I get home at 19h25 on Friday night and open the door to him snoring. While trying to be quiet and not wake him up I made some noise and he woke up.
I am lying in bed and he rolls over to tell me he is hungry and asks what am I cooking. He goes on to tell me that he wants sex and begs me to kiss him and asks if I love him. 
he needs constant affirmation of how I feel about it and that is the time when I want to show him that I love him and to express my feelings…I am also not a very attentive person.
Yesterday morning I woke up to take a friend to the airport and he came with. Figured we could talk about everything while in the car between the trips. Being the narcissist he is he managed to turn it all around on me and question me…
we end up in a shopping center and whole eating brunch and talking things get so heated that I end up wiping tears.
I admitted that I am lot happy and I was honest about how my marriage isn’t the only thing that I am not happy about.
we get home and talk some more…
and even though he hints on me wanting to end things I clam up and don’t end things…
he constantly asks me if I love him and I tell that I do but know that I question my true love for him.
he asks me if I want to continue but I don’t know if I do or if I just want the dream. I know I am too scared to be alone but I also know that I hate my life and relationship right now. I also know there is not going to be any change with us.
he is been snoring in bed since about 7ish and then woke up to eat and went back to snoring.
I know he has been drinking all day. He admitted to drinking Vodka at 08:30 this morning.
oh today while we were talking he blamed me for us not having kids. He constantly brought up the things I have said in the past to him…
I said those things before. At the time I meant them and a little while later wanted to take those words back, but I have often felt those words over the years.
I am stuck!!! I am too embarrassed to end things!! I am worried about what happens to him afterwards!! I don’t want to be alone!! Yet I feel so alone anyway in this marriage.
I just want him to show me he loves me with gifts and thoughtful expressions. (I know I may sound shallow but my love language is gifts and endearment) I want to be taken cared of and not have to be the one that manages everything. He calls me controlling…well if he actually took on the stresses of adult life then I would be a whole lot less controlling if at all…when I bring that up he argues that everything is in my name and how I still watch over him when he takes on things. Well I watch over him because he doesn’t follow through and everyone knocks on my door because it is on my name. I think he just likes to say that he has it but doesn’t get the logistics of it all.
$&@* I hate marriage!! Or maybe I just hate it with him. Another weekend has been wasted and spent crying.
Every time I read a book or watch a moxie or scroll through my wall there is some message I pick up in it telling me that life is too short to be unhappy or something along the lines of removing the negative objects from your life…
Last night he was crying in bed and so I hugged him and when I asked him…he said he wasn’t crying. While I held him he took on my hand and kissed it, but when he replied that he wasn’t crying I let go and turned over and cried a lil myself. 
This morning, I told him that I meant what I said last night but I don’t want to end us. Such much as I still feel what I felt last yesterday and last night I do love him.