I am so tiered…

I tell myself over and over and over again how this year is about me. This year is about living for what I want and doing what I want.

But why is that I continue to let him bring me down? I try so hard to make our house a home…I try so hard to forgive him for his past mistakes and mine too…I mean I am not perfect…I try so hard to move past everything but he always finds a way to ruin the mood…to ruin the night…to make me question what the fuck I doing with him.

I am almost 36 and I feel as if my life is such a waste. I try so hard to make it worth it. I try to start new and live to make each day better…I don’t want to go back…back to how things were when I started with OD last year…I don’t want to go back to that, but sometimes…particularly on the weekend I feel myself being dragged down.

Every Tuesday and Thursday night when I am busy with my Conversion Class I see how some of the students have their spouse with them…someone there to encourage them…my support is my family…my dad who lives about 10 min away and my sisters who are about a 2hr flight away from me. I thought getting married meant that I would have a partner to journey through life with…I thought I found someone who loved me enough to support me and not bring me down over things I thought that we had resolved…I thought my husband is someone that I could trust and would trust me and would not hold grudges against me. I mean I have forgiven him for so much…what is wrong with me?

I know I sound crazy…like a broken record…I mean a few posts ago I have written a very similar cry out and vent…but in between it all…on good days…it seems like mainly on weekdays or when he is broke…we live a special life…he is so loving, and attentive…he is so sure about what he wants for himself and for me and our future…he will express how much he loves me….but then there will come a time when he has either been drinking…or I ask him a sensitive question, and then it all comes out. He will spurt out hurtful things…he will bring me down and go on about my failures…

I am sure I have mentioned in my OD that him and I are not legally married…I have managed to keep hush about this and only told my 2nd oldest sister not so long ago …no one else knows…well until last week…

While selling my property I had to fill in a lot of forms etc…now this is a legal document so I had to sign it with my Maiden Name….I would love to sign documents with my Married Name, but then those documents are not legally binding. Anyway so in the form I am asked if I am Single, Married or Divorced. In every day life I am Married, but in the court of law I am not! So if I want the sale of my property to go through without any hitches, I should be honest…I ticked off Single.

My dad calls me later in the day and asked me why I ticket off single…of course I told him the honest truth that I am not legally married because my husband’s ID was duplicated and he has yet to rectify that at Home Affairs and so our Marriage License was never put through…I mean it is ready to go through but he has to sort out his ID and blah blah blah…

Immediately I told him. He doesn’t understand why I didn’t just tick off Married then… DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND THE FUCKIN’ LAW? Then he goes on about how we signed a prenup…which my father insisted on, as I have a few assets on my maiden name and yada yada yada…so he goes on about how I should have told my father that he said that my husband must have nothing to do with my personal assets from before the marriage, hence why I ticked off Single. Doesn’t he get that he can still stay out of my personal prior marriage assets even when we are legally married…hence the Prenup?

I know…I am not married so ending things with him would be so easy, right? But I know I would be torn, because I don’t know what life would now be without him…I love him so much and I have pictured my future with him and only him and I am unable to see life without him…then of course I don’t want to be alone…I am 36 and who is going to want me? I don’t have the energy to go out and start all over again.

Today while we were having lunch…he could tell I was in a shitty mood…so he was blabbing on about how he changed his work times to suit my work times…I never complained about his work times…I am more than happy to work around them and fit my life into his…well except when it comes to my Conversion Course.

He then asked me while we were eating if I love him…I couldn’t answer that…

I do love him…but a part of me was thinking if I told him I didn’t would he just make my life easier and just leave me…deep down inside that is what I kinda want…

Then I also felt too pissed off at him to tell him that I love him….and also I just didn’t want to tell him that I did…kinda hoping that he would maybe want to change his ways… But boy am I wrong…. he doesn’t give a shit about anything that brings him down and brings me down…well actually I don’t think I can honestly say that, because there are times when he is attentive and when he does care about himself and me…so I don’t know why every now and then and when he has a lil too much to drink he will become this mean person.