I am so Over Being a Wife!

I come home from Shul last night. Feeling so full of Hashem and his love. But I come home to a husband who had consumed a lot of alcohol.

I saw in the fridge that he had drank almost a whole bottle of vodka by himself, in just a few hours.

Now I knew he was going to drink, since he did ask me for money to buy alcohol and I did give him money even though I did voice how I felt and the negative after affects he feels after drinking and how it is just not worth it.  (Such a horrible thing to think of myself as) But I choose to just agree as I am not in the mood to have an argument and deal with everything that happens when I say no. So I guess me giving him the money was me thinking that everything would be okay when I got home last night…Whenever there is alcohol and him alone with that alcohol and at home, I can always expect the worst!

He was adamant to be the lead in cooking our supper last night. I don’t know if it was the or or , but I did kinda took over and cooked the whole supper which I ended up throwing away, at least my serving, after the things he said to me while we were eating.

Because I was doing most of the cooking he began to sulk. He used my kitchen knife to scrap the dirt between the tiles. When I confronted him about using an eating utensil for something that was so unhygienic he went on about how he had nothing else sharp enough to use. I opened the tool box, which was in a kitchen cupboard, and found something in under 3 seconds.

He questioned my manners! That is something that no one can ever do. I thank every driver that gives me way, even if they were miles away anyway. I sometimes thank my boss for my salary or raise. I greet nearly every person I see walking by everyday. I sometimes buy the security at my work a coffee or coke and I will greet them every time and say good bye when I leave and I will thank them for keeping me safe.
Last night when I came back from Shul my husband had cleaned the flat and so I thanked him. But while we were eating he went on about how I didn’t thank him for cleaning the flat.
He went on to bring up things I have said in the past and have apologized for. He went on  about how he doesn’t believe me when I say I love him when I threw his wedding ring in his face…actually I put the rings on his side of the bed…

I went to bed last night and dreamed about me having my dream…the house and babies but doing it all on my own and leaving him. 

Had plans for this weekend but feel like sulking in bed and just reading my kindle. Damn the story I am reading is so hectic. 

A few weeks ago my therapist told me to write down positive traits of myself. I saw these superhero posters with some traits and I loved them for myself.

but when I read the I am loved part I held back tears. I don’t feel loved or wanted. I feel used!