I am so lost…

Often, lately and I am sure many times before, I have been feeling as if I have not been living the life I want to be living.

Often I have had suicidal thoughts and have wished I had the guts to actually put those thoughts to action…but i just feel that suicide is taking the easy way out and being inconsiderate to the ones you love and leave behind and also I don’t have the right to end my own life l, especially considering the number of people who car and have worked so hard for me to actually have a life.

But I am so tired of crying and feeling lost and incomplete and just the way that I feel when I am down.

Today was my first day of being unemployed. I don’t know what is going to happen now…keep applying for a job and places are closed now so not getting responses and I am not feeling very confident even though everyone around me is being so confident. I am just scared.

I know I cannot reply on him. He still hasn’t been paid and even if he has been how can I trust he could run things. Well I can’t really.
even though I have no job we are living off my last paycheque and when that is gone WHAT THE FUCK are we gonna do. He doesn’t plan or at least I don’t think he does. Right now he is playing FIFA on PS4 and all I can hear is him swearing at the game. Today I went to collect the things I purchased in account…his bday gift which is next year and his anniversary gift and I know he hasn’t got my gift…so not expecting anything for our wedding anniversary.

He just came to me now and told me how his cousin was shot dead while he was driving and not he is going on about how he is next… he has often talking this way about how his time is coming and shit like that and it is so depressing especially how he expects me to react to that and then he will go off on me for not reacting the way he wants or for not even reacting in anyway.

I don’t want to be married anymore.
I don’t want to live this life anymore.

I keep playing the Powerball and Lotto and keep hoping to win the jackpot…to have picked the lucky numbers and be blessed with the millions…but then I ask myself what happens when I win? Yes I know what I want to do with the winnings but what would it mean to my marriage. A large part of me considers just giving him half of the winnings and telling him to fuck off…but then why don’t just do that now? What is making me feel so attached to him?

Yes, I am scared of being alone. Yes, the little he contributes does help keep the lights on. Yes, I do have good times with him sometimes. Yes, I do love him.
But I feel as if I have cried too many years because of him and our marriage. He has still yet to sort of his ID issues so we can actually legally process our marriage. He has had 7 years to sort if out and he still hasn’t and I don’t really believe he wants to.

I am just feeling like a used girl! He just gives me enough to keep me fitting the bills.