I am So Confused…

I irritate myself with all my confusion. I have gone on countless times about my husband and all the issues we face and he creates and just the chaos that surrounds him, me and our home.

And as much as I vision my close to perfect life without him…dream house and me being independent, I honestly don’t think that I can live without him.

He is often my pillar of strength when I vent out to him, often he turns the conversation to himself, but there have been times like today and yesterday where he was very comforting and motivating.

I honestly think this year has been very stressful and we haven’t even finished the 3rd month yet.

I really need to get a good job. A job that pays well, let’s us live the dream we invision and want. that being an adult would be easy…it seriously sucks a lot being an adult, espeacially if the life you are living is not one that you invisioned when growing up.

While working in a  in one of the biggest and most popular and expensive shopping centres in my country, I often see people doing things that look perfect and I wish I could be doing. This weekend was a long weekend in South Africa….

Human Rights Day, 21 March

Human Rights Day in South Africa is historically linked with 21 March 1960, and the events of Sharpeville. On that day 69 people died and 180 were wounded when police fired on a peaceful crowd that had gathered in protest against the Pass laws. This day marked an affirmation by ordinary people, rising in unison to proclaim their rights. It became an iconic date in our country’s history that today we commemorate as Human Rights Day as a reminder of our rights and the cost paid for our treasured human rights.

…anywya so the shopping centre was flooding with people that had come down to the Cape for the long weekend and everyone seemed  and I spent the weekend feeling really shitty…often I would sneak to the bathroom to cry or like yesterday walked into my flat and just burst into tears…and today walked back home from work holding in tears. When seeing other people being out and about and spending money and jsut living I saw things that I wish I had….

Like today this husband bought his wife a gift for just about R 54 000 = $ 2961,74 and I thought… 

People were doing doings things while I had to work…and I was regetting going back into Retail Work and just trying to think of how to get out of it and back into an office job!

My life has gone back to the  and since my husband and I don’t have much money and are barely able to eat 3 meals a day…my dat routine is more like… …I am slipping in some time for …and reading my Kindle. But I need more…and I am not so certain how to make it happen.

So I am still playing  and …so basically  and hoping I hit it and can make my dreams come true…but sometime I a have to start doing active things to make my life better.

So this morning I took my  and this evening I looked at ways to cheapen my medical aid and I plan on meeting with consultants on how to get back on it and change my plan and possibly make a plan to pay what I owe, if I actually have to considering I haven’t had medical aid since December 2024.

I am hoping to reach out to my dad tomorrow and see if I can dip into the  he has for me…(so he says) and if I can get my fingers on some of that adn if it is enough I can maybe make a positive change in our lives. While writing this I am thinking about how I am making all the financial moves and sacrifices and I don’t really see him adding more into our lives and finances, yet I am still holding onto him.