I am on my own…

I am on my own… 

This journey that I am going on is filled with so many new lessons and new discoveries; I am now discovering what really lies deep in my soul and discovering the history and ideology of the Religion I have always felt a kin to. But I am doing this on my own...

Tonight is the start of the Purim Chag. Tonight I will be joining my fellow students and the Rabbi’s who have been teaching us, as well as last years graduates, and as excited as I am to be going and to be truly living and being social and open to new teachings, I am going on my own...

On the WhatsApp chat everyone is just giving their RSVP’s and declaring that their partner will be joining them. But mine won’t. My spouse is too focused on staying sober and getting himself on the right path… and so I am on my own…

On Saturday morning, the directors of the shul; I am taking this journey with, want to meet the class and we will be having a picnic after the service and Bracha. Again, I will be going on my own… Because my husband will be seeing his therapist and searching for a rehab clinic to go to.

I am on my own. 

You, can say that I chose this.

I chose to continue to love him.

I chose to continue to stand by him.

I chose to be strong for him.

I have chosen not to ask too much from him. But doesn’t he see what this is doing to me? Doesn’t he see how he is leaving me to do this on my own? and I need him…

This morning I had to go the hospital for my MRI. Damn that machine is noisy! 

Anyway…after lying flat on my back and staying as still as possible, and feeling a lil chilly…I climbed back into my car so my husband could take me to work.

While in the car, he tells me how the next few months he needs to focus on himself and get himself right…afterwards he will focus on me and our car….ME? Help me loose weight, work on my sugar (I clearly have too much sugar built up in me so I tend to let out gas a lot) and work on my studies and conversion and job. As for the car, we both want to get new cars. I mean I know that in a few weeks I will be able to afford a new car, so he should really just think about car for himself. 

Just over 3 years ago I got married. I vowed in front of G-d, Family and Friends, to love this guy and to trapeze through life with him….but I feel like it is just me… I am on my own. 

Tonight I am going to be surrounded by couples and families and people on this journey to become Jewish, but they will have their support system with them….I will just be there on my own….