I am loosing hope…

After work I decided to see my dad. I was really missing him and just wanted some love and companionship… being with him felt really good. I mean of course we had some serious talk about money and investments and what I am going to do moving forward with no rental income…

He asked me about my husband and his drinking….

I told him that he doesn’t drink as much as before…which is true…but I did tell him that he still drinks.

My father told me how he worries about him becoming physically and emotionally abusive…I failed to tell him that he is emotionally abusive. I don’t know if it is a good thing, but I don’t cry anymore. Does that mean that I don’t care and am not letting him hurt me anymore or have I stopped caring…am I just immune to his words now? I feel like I am slowly becoming numb to his words.

When I came home and said hi to my husband he wreaked of cigarettes and I could sense that he had been drinking….

He was home all day and failed to clean the house in anyway….so I figured I would clean before cooking supper…I opened the rubbish bin and saw 2 empty alcohol bottles… 500ml smirnoff and the other 300ml gin…I asked him and he said he didn’t drink today…

While cleaning the kitchen…he fell asleep….so I said fuck that!! Finished cleaning and did some comfort eating….ate some ice cream and drank red bull…..he can feed himself, which he did. When I changed the TV channel, he woke up, and made himself supper. But as I am writing this post he is snoring…it is normal to be tired but to be asleep at by 19h20 ??? And he says he wants to have kids!!!

What the fuck am I doing? I think I need to see the therapist on my own and express how I am feeling and get some advice from her. I don’t know what to do.

I say this all the time and I think it is time I just stopped just venting on OD and thinking that everything will be fine in the morning.

I deserve to be happy!!

While I was washing the dishes and he was snoring in the background I considered calling his mother and getting advice from her…but now that I think about it, what do I think she is going to say. I mean no disrespect but what mother shouts to their son “you are meant to support me!” When he says he can’t keep giving her money?

I don’t get how African Mother’s put so much stress on their children to support them at the expense of their growth and their family.

She actually insists that he supports her and his sister and her 4 kids.

I am scared…. but that fear is keeping me from living. It is keeping me from being loved.

I don’t want to be alone, but I think the life that I am living now is worse.

A few weeks ago he suggested we separate for 6 months. Maybe I should have agreed to that and never ask him back.

You know when I look at my Facebook page I see that a lot of it is me and him…happy pictures of us smiling etc…but I don’t know when last a happy picture of us was taken. If I had to end things with him…I guess I would have to close my social media accounts….I could start over or just maybe leave that toxic environment behind.

Start fresh…

Last  night my older sister told me that I really need to visit them soon.

Okay I am busy converting so I cannot do that now…

My father’s girlfriend kept harping about how am I going to live a life being Jewish with a Christian husband. Seems like she was pushing on how I shouldn’t convert because I would have a home with 2 religions and would confuse the kids. I am not going to lie and say that they wasn’t a  big worry for me when I was younger….but I am converting for myself and for  no one else. I am 35 and sill 36 in August,  seems like I will be a Jewish before a mother.

I grew up celebrating many religions and yeah I guess I was confused…. I will continue about this in my other posts.

Adonai,  please bless me with the right answers.