I am…Conflicted and Filled with so Many Other Emotions…

This past week has been crazy!

He is still living with me…even though most of his clothes are in a suitcase in the study…we still sleep in the same bed….everything on the surface seems to be fine, but I am just filled with so many emotions and don’t know what to do. Well I think I do but I am feeling unsure that things will work out and I am finding it hard to fully trust him and our love…I don’t know if I can fully trust that everything will work out.

The past week he hasn’t drunk anything…and when we have been together things have been really good.

 on more than just the everyday stuff

SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

Last week was tough… well not entirely…

The week was okay in terms of me having be paid and having money to keep us still living and functioning and of course I was walking with my head held high because my bank account had some life in it.

My oldest sister came down from JHB and so I went to see her and it was great being with her, her middle child (2nd daughter) and her son (the baby of the family)…of course her husband was there too…he is cool. At first we were just joking about and having light conversations…then him and their son went to his sister and brother in law to just have supper with them or something…and my dad came to where we were and together we all had supper.

While the 3 of us were sitting alone, my dad and sister decided it was time to have some serious talk and to listen to me talk about what I was going to do.

 there was talk about how my husband seems to be just sponging off me and how he won’t leave me because he has it good with me, but they stressed about how I need to be happy and I needed to get him to pull his weight and be harder on him about his drinking and not helping with bills etc. My father told me how he will always be there for me, but he worries about my safety. He even went on to tell me that if my husband won’t help with the bills etc that I could tell him that my father would no loner financially help me and that we were now living just off our salaries…I have tried that line before but I have caved in when things got bad and I just found a way to make it better.

Well my husband was paid on Thursday and immediately he transferred money to me and he has been really helpful with the bills and stuff.

But yesterday happened….

It was  and we spent the afternoon with his cousin, his wife and their kids and the  wife’s family friend and his family. Started the day with cooking  and  (my new fav dish) then we missioned off to their place which is about a 35 min drive from us, but it was okay.

We got there early, so I helped set up and plate the various dishes and while we waited for the guests to arrive my husband was sent to get more drinks…he didn’t have his license with him, so I was the designated driver, the cousin’s middle child came with us. Anyway so we get here and the lil boy and I wait in the car while my husband goes to the liquor store. He is taking awhile so I am wondering what the heck is he getting.

We get back to their place and have our meal (late lunch/early dinner) and all goes well.

While we are sitting and chatting after eating, the family friend gets a message that his daughter has Covid but the rest of them are all negative. They are flying back to Zambia on Tuesday so they had to get tested. Of course they mask up, say goodbye and leave. We hang around for a bit longer, but throughout the rest of the evening and when we get home I wonder the whole time if has been drinking at all. We get home and since I feel all sweaty from the heat I shower and the whole time I wonder if he has been drinking.  He fell asleep pretty quickly and this morning he woke up late, which of course is no issue…but I was still wondering.

This afternoon we were watching  and , he fell asleep while watching ‘Younger’ – which is okay, I mean we all do have our lil naps every now and then, but my suspicious thoughts and wondering mind kept wondering if he was just hungover.

I mean there was a time during the day when he went on about how I eat chocolate and buy chocolate and gassy drinks, but I deem it to be okay, since I am doing it, but I go off at him and have problem with him drinking.  I just listened and kept quiet because I was not in the mood to argue. While he was going on about the chocolate etc that is in our flat and that I eat, I was agreeing with him but also laughing in my head thinking about the chocolate he just bought for us when he went to the shop.

Talking about him going to the shop today, this shop in question is right next door to a liquor store, and even though today is a Public Holiday and a Sunday, days when liquor is not be sold, many liquor stores have gotten the license to trade on these days considering how many days they lost due to lock down…so I am thinking he may have had a drink while he was out at the shop.

When he came back I asked him if he drank any liquor yesterday….he immediately told me that he didn’t and if he did he would have told me. I was still left skeptical as I was still getting the feeling as if he was drunk/hungover. He gets a heavy ‘British’ accent when he has been drinking, and the way he talks to me and the things he says…

I know he hides a bottle of vodka above the fridge, I was looking over at the fridge today and saw that it had been moved…it was sitting in a different position, and often throughout the day he was going into the kitchen and opening and closing the fridge and just being weird. A part of me wants to see how full the bottle is, but I wouldn’t know if there has been a change in the amount, as I haven’t looked at it and since I am short I cannot reach the top of the fridge.

He goes back to work on Tuesday. My sisters and father tell me that I should deprive him of benefits and not let him use the car anymore…but I am not his parent and I don’t feel like treating him as if he is a child.

While watching   , whenever a baby would come on the show he would go on about how he wanted a baby too…I kept thinking how he should prove to me he could be adult enough to be a parent. I further kept thinking how if we both lost a good few kilos we could possibly have a child.

I would love to be a mother, but I am scared that I don’t have a true partner…a true equal; to journey through parenthood with. I mean I know there are many single parents out there…and I am pretty sure many if not all of them didn’t imagine their parenthood journey would end up being done alone, but right now I have the choice to not go into parenthood with a huge possibility of having to do it on my own. But then again if I had to, I wouldn’t mind doing it on my own…not sure what that means… I often think that maybe falling pregnant would wake up my husband and would make him be the man I know he can be, but that is a huge gamble.

My husband says he is sure about us, and will never give up on us. I often wonder if he really means that or if he is just saying that to manipulate me and make me believe in our marriage and him, because if he doesn’t have me, he has no one and pretty much nothing to his name.

He has stressed how he intends to continue meeting with our marriage/addiction councilor and he wants to work through his addiction. I

If I had to end things wouldn’t I be going back on my vows to him and not standing by him through it all? I love him and I want us to work and to be each other’s .