I am a fool…
Today started off really well…
Went looking at cars…I really need to get a new car. I didn’t realize just how nice the Volkswagen Tiguan was, until I sat in the latest model today…. I fell in love with it….sunroof, steering wheel adjusts…so many hip specs that kinda make driving pointless. I joked with the sales man that with all the perks of the car I could drive sleeping… I mean I could set the car to auto drive at a set speed and then it would drive itself, it actually slows down when it is coming close to a car….it parks itself….I mean damn humans are getting damn lazy…
Anyway after looking at cars, I went and made a booking to get my first tattoo done next week Sat. I am so scared about getting it done but since it is just small phrase, it apparently won’t take too long….approximately 20 min. I am excited about getting my 1st tatt.
Husband and I decided we would have a braai at home tonight…just the two if us…so grabbed some meat and salad ingredients. Came home and chilled for a bit…
Just before I start prepping…he asks me for money so he can buy vodka. Like seriously WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I tell him I am not going to reply because he knows what I am going to say. He leaves me for a few min and I go into a sulk…he then asks me again and wants to know why I won’t give him an answer. I tell him to take the money and do whatever he wants….
Let’s not forget that while we were having lunch today we spoke about the benefits of a therapist, he went on to tell me that the one I contacted last week hasn’t gotten in touch with him…he agreed to look for someone else.
Anyway…so I am making potato salad, spicing the chops and making an Israeli Salad (well that is what I grew up calling it in my family….but it is just onion, cucumber and tomota and a simple vinegarette) so while I am doing this he keeps bumping into me in the kitchen and opening and closing the fridge…only pissing me off more. While I am prepping and mixing and blah blah blah…he leaves….
While I am cleaning up the kitchen I see an empty 500ml bottle of vodka in the bin. Like seriously!!!
The plan was for him to cook the chops….and while I read my kindle I look up from the couch and he is just faffing around in the kitchen, doing nothing.
So I decide to just fry the chops. I dish up supper for myself, eat in the dining room and then retreat to the bedroom…I might as well spend the rest of my Sat night reading.
For the past 1hr+ he just keeps coming in and out of the room….going on that I have no right to be upset as he is just enjoying his Sat and why is it okay for me to have chocolate but then get upset when he has a drink. He goes on questioning how I can say that I love him and be all merry when I am doing me and he is going along with my plans, but when he drinks I go into a mood. He goes on about being Zulu and not needing me…
Fuck!! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don’t know what to actually do. A lil over a week ago I was in the exact same position as I am in now.
When am I actually going to learn?
When am I going to be brave enough to see that I am in a hopeless relationship?
When am I going to accept that I am worth more than what I am living and that I don’t need him?
When will it finally be enough?
It’ll be enough when you say it is, if that’s what you want. You are in control here believe it or not. I don’t mean to inquire too far but does he get the shakes in the morning? Alcohol withdrawal can kill you so quitting cold turkey isn’t advisable without detoxing programs
@sleeponflyon – no he doesn’t get the shakes.
I don’t really expect him to go cold turkey, but I want to seek professional help, so he is getting guidance.
I know something happened this evening with his family which obviously made his upset and when the alcohol is mixed into it, I become the metaphorical punching bag.
@ncumisa I’m sorry that he doesn’t respect your wants and needs. Hopefully one day he will be able to find a means to change for both of you
@sleeponflyon – I am worried that by the time he gets to that point, I would have ended it. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this.
@ncumisa I can definitely relate, I recently ended a relationship because I just couldn’t deal with her attitude toward me
@ncumisa one way or another you’ll find out how long though. I hope it works out for the best for you
@sleeponflyon – thanks
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You’re not a fool, friend. You are optimistic that he loves you enough to change because he can and will. That’s not a bad thing to be.
@caria, thank you. But I do feel stupid holding onto someone who is proving to be hopeless regularly. I mean I could excuse this behavior (mine and his) 5+ years ago, but now that we are wanting so much out of life and are adults, this behavior is becoming a lil too hard to excuse.
I want children!! How can I have children with a guy that I cannot trust to be sober when I need him to be a parent with me?
I want to enjoy my days, but how can I when they end up with me challenging an angry drunk?
Love can really suck!
@ncumisa Preach on, sister! I’m the choir over here. I know how much love sucks. A isn’t a drunk, but he’s a real @$$hole to me. I wanted a church wedding… didn’t get it. I wanted kids of my own… didn’t get them. I wanted to foster/adopt… didn’t get that. He can be a great guy to everyone else, or when he wants to be, but I’m always at the bottom of the list or he treats me like $hit on his shoe. I can’t excuse his behavior at all, but I’ve loved him for almost half of my life. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Now, I’m just stuck in this mess.
I’m sorry. This isn’t about me. I was relating all that to show you that you’re not alone, and it really does suck sometimes.
As far as the drunk part goes… considering #3 is a drunk, I personally have zero patience or tolerance for people who choose to go on drinking like that, and can’t see they have a big problem. And if he’s an angry drunk (I hope not physically abusive, too, for your sake), it doesn’t bode well.
If you were to leave, do you have a place to go and can you support yourself if you do? If you’re able to say yes to those things, maybe put the fear of God into him and get some friends to move you out while he’s at work? Go for a separation first, until he can get clean and sober… and stay that way for at least a year? Maybe make him prove himself in a big way?
I wish there were easy answers, my friend. Just know my prayers are with you, and whatever you decide to do… you have my support and an ear when you want/need it.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
@caria ❤
You can talk about your situation too and discuss your issues too. I like to think we are a community out to help and feed of each other.
My husband has not been physical with me. But his words cut just as deep as a knife does…at least that is what I think.
I have got places to go, but I don’t feel like I should be the one to leave since the flat we live in is owned and paid for by me. Also I don’t want to keep hearing family and friends sing “I told you so and leave him…” I already feel bad about how I have created such bad tension between my family and him. So he has to either leave of we end for good.
Now about you….
I would like to think that my husband is only an ass when he been drinking so that is better than being a sober ass like A. But both are bad and bother should be treated the same and considered in the same light. No one deserves to be treated badly or disregarded. The fact that A does this when he is sober is concerning in the sense it makes you question his true feelings, at least that is how I feel. Have you maybe talked about going to counseling? You shouldn’t be this unhappy and mistreated.
I get being stuck.
Thank you, for your prayers…mine go to you too and I hope we can both rise above this and that things workout and get resolved or we get the courageous to seek better ❤
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