I am….

….so many things right now…none of which are good. I am…

It has been a long time since I have been truly happy. I think it is fair to say that it may have been before I even started living with my husband. When I was in my mid 20’s. I was living at home, working retail, earning minimum wage, was thinner, was studying part time…had so many possibilities.

I was hardly ever on my own…and when I was, it was because I was showering or sleeping. Weekends was about going to clubs and socializing (okay covid has shut down clubs.

The past 10 years of my life has all been about, taking anti depressants, seeing therapists, attempting to slit my wrists or overdose on anti depressants, getting fat, shouting at my drunk husband, dealing with bills and overdrafts, wishing my life was like those other people who seem happy with their 2.5 kids and big houses and hunky husbands…

In a previous post I said that I couldn’t believe the pictures on Facebook, the pictures of everyone’s perfect life, but last night while out I saw it.

Why can’t I be happy? Oh yes, because he is currently passed out on he couch…and I am too chicken shit to actually show him the door and make sure that it stays locked to him.

So I will just listen to the cars drive by, and people laugh while having their picnics in the park…I am okay just popping my anti depressants, eating my junk food…binging on some show on Netflix or Showmax.