Happy…Mad…Sad…Aggravated…Limbo….

Saturday morning was a bit of a rush. Woke up did some flat cleaning and then went to pick up my new car….

 she is amazing!!!

Anyway so my husband and I ended the day at a restaurant for supper.

Well before we get to that before he had his hair cut and he bought himself a bottle of vodka.  

Throughout the day he had been weird. He told me he felt strange and I picked up on that. I thought it was him feeling jealous about me getting a new car, but he said he was happy for me….yet we still couldn’t figure out what it was. So I told him to have a hair cut. While I was having lunch, waiting for him to have his haircut he phoned to tell me he bought himself a bottle of vodka and had a few shots. He went on to tell me he bought the vodka because he felt that by having a drink he could maybe feel better and more like himself…… I let it go.

We went out for supper and I had a virgin mojito, he had a Rock Shandy but did ask the waiter to get the barman to put in some “strength” (vodka) which they never did.

Anyway while we were eating my husband come out and told me how he feels that he needs to do something for himself. He sees how I am growing….getting my new car and creating capital for myself and looking into purchasing property so I can make rental income. He feels like he needs to grow too and get his own capital and assets and become something.  So he wants to eventually go off to work in the UK and make some money so he can build his name.

I get all that and want only good things for him. I just am irritated how it is something that he wants to do now. I am almost 36 and I want a baby and I wish we were at that point where we could  be focusing on that. I feel like this is all talk and I don’t really see him venturing off to do that any time soon. I feel bad for thinking that. But also while he was saying all this I was just thinking what am I going to do for those 6+ months when he is in the UK.

This evening my friend sent out a group msg to our friend whatsapp group, telling us that she was pregnant with her 2nd child. I was and am so happy for her, but deep down inside I was wondering when that would be me. I want a baby so bad.

But now what?

Hopefully this pain that I am feeling of not having a child and wanting one so badly will be enough to get me up and off my ass.