Glimpse of What I Want…

Took the day off so I can spend it with my sister and help her with a Pop Up Store.
Had a great day with her. Shopped up a storm. Socialised with some real boss women who were running their own businesses and doing something for themselves. Often throughout the day my brother in law would phone her to check in on her and talk to her. My husband phoned me a few times and sent me messages and all I could remember was not really wanting to speak to him. As I was having a good day living a life where I made the effort to look good and was surrounded with people that made me feel good about myself.

My husband told me this morning how R 3 o00 was taken out of this account and he doesn’t know where that money went. His bank said they would investigate it. Throughout the day I kept thinking how this will be another reason why he cannot contribute towards our living expenses. He has to pay excess for repair on his car, he has to transfer money towards the debt review and he went on about how he was only left with 5k after the 3k was strangely taken out of his bank account.

I get home and open a desk drawer looking for a usb cable. He is on the phone but sitting at the desk. On top of all the cables is a random piece of paper, so I lift it up…. He tries to stop me…immediately I see a bottle of vodka. He rants to me about how I shouldn’t be snooping around and I should leave his vodka there. I asked him why it was there. He doesn’t bother to answer just puts it back in the drawer and shuts it.

For weeks I have known he has been drinking as I have smelt it and asked him if he had been and every time he has told me no at first and then about 20 minutes later come to me to tell me he has. And every time he has had an excuse. Always some stress that he has to soothe with a shot of something or some alcoholic beverage.

While I was cooking supper he came up to me to apologise for lying to me. While he was talking to me I was just asking myself how many times is he going to apologise for lying to me and explain the reason for the lie being not wanting to have to explain himself for something that he did, or to have to deal with me judging him for drinking or having to answer to me. The whole time I was thinking how it is so easy for my husband to lie to me. I was asking myself how many times am I going to accept the lies.

While eating supper I was watching The Bachelor and I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have someone not lie to me, to have someone make an effort to be the best that he can be for me…I kept thinking about how I wish I was with someone else. Someone who made the effort to share a great life with me. I asked myself if I was willing to cheat on my husband and my answer was yes.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I keep going back and forth with my husband. I often feel this way and then we would have a good weekend so I let it all go.
I converted this weekend and he knew for weeks that it was going to be my graduation he kept telling me how he was going to buy me a Star of David, but he didn’t. He didn’t have any money to me the necklace. I was going to buy it for myself but he insisted that he would buy it for me, but now with all this money saga I am sure he will forget to because he has all the stress of his car repairs and the money leaving his account so I am back to being disregarded. Throughout the month I will always find a way to buy him something…and when he needs something he has not squabble in asking me to buy it for him, he sometimes even promises to pay me back (not that I am bothered by it) but the point is is that he thinks that just giving me a back rub every night and saying he loves me is enough.

My sister asked me when will I start adopting or having kids. I told her that I started to look into it just this week…but right now I am thinking of maybe getting myself a large fish tank and filling it up with fish because I don’t want to have kids with my husband because I don’t think I want to continue having him as my husband.

I woke up this morning feeling so alive and happy, but right now I am lying in bed feeling so empty and sad.

On the radio today the DJ spoke about how a woman gave her boyfriend a Performance Improvement Review. Told her boyfriend the areas he needed to work on to improve their relationship. I thought how wonderful that is and how once when my husband was just my boyfriend we did something similar and I know I worked hard to live up to it all and he did too but somewhere he stopped after we got married. And for years every few weeks we argue about his drinking and his lying to me. And over the time I have just become numb to it all.

I no longer have tears to cry…

I no longer give into fights are just rather walk away before they even begin…

I can barely talk to him or reply to anything that he says….

When I leave to go to work and he is still sleeping I have to think about wether or not I am going to kiss him goodbye…

Sometimes I have moments where I pour my love for him out…like today I told him if it would make him happy I would talk with him about immigrating to the UK, when I got home today I gave him a kiss without him waiting for one…but then there are often times like right now when I think I am wasting my time and just settling.