Giving Up!

I wish I was strong enough to make the right decision. Being with him is hurting me so much.

Spent most of the day crying…even in front of him…we were shouting at each other and the more I was going on about what is bringing me down and what made me upset this week and is making me upset now…the more I feel he turned things around to brush off any blame or wrong that was on him.

Everyone is wanting something for me and I am just so sick and tired of not having anyone on my side and I know I have family who will jump through fire to be by my side and help me but I am just too pride to turn to them. I am too scared to let them in and really let them know about hos fucked up my life and marriage is.

  – Dr. Benjamin Warren

That is kinda what I though being a wife and having a husband was all about. Choosing someone to go through life with. Carry the downs and laugh through the ups with. Well in my marriage it seems as if we have the laughing through the ups mastered perfectly but  when it comes to the stresses of life, when it comes to anything that involves me; I have to master it on my own.

For the past few days he has been telling me about how he has a plan to make money and leave his current job. But he won’t tell me what it is until he knows it will work and until it is actually happening. For all this other business ventures that failed or his cousin and my father didn’t believe in or help him make happen, he blames me for. I have to listen constantly how the didn’t listen to him and I didn’t believe in him so he missed out and is now paying off loans for when he tried to make it work.

I didn’t understand what it was all about, nor did I want to get involved.  and besides that why doesn’t he believe in himself enough to make it happen with others. Is he so insecure that he needs to have others boosting himself up to make him feel good.

 and I don’t entirely believe that my husband does.

I think I have come to terms with doing life on my own. Well not entirely on my own because I want to adopt a child and I think it is time I really get serious about it an make it happen.

Do they let single women adopt babies on their own?

He keeps telling me how he chose to stay even when I told him years ago how having children will be a struggle. This weekend he kept pushing about how if , I should let him know and he will find someone else.

This isn’t the first time he has said something like that but every time I have brushed it away. I think today I reached the pinnacle of hearing it and keeping quiet. I think I am read to admit and say to him that and he needs to go find that other woman…

 without needing antidepressants and psychiatrists on speed dial

Am I shallow?

If I am being honest I think I am just a sucker and desperate. I want more but I am too scared to let go of what I have now and risk being alone for the rest of my life. But I cannot deny that everyday I am not  about meeting some other man….and yes even having an affair. I feel so dirty for thinking that but can’t help it and can’t lie and say that those thoughts don’t bring some kind of peace to me.