Feeling so Ashamed of Myself.

I have felt this way often before and it is always at these times. When my husband…

He is too lazy to go outside to smoke and so will use the kitchen window to allow the smoke out of the flat. I allowed a guest to do that ONCE, and now he thinks he can do it even though I have asked him not to millions of times.

I can smell the alcohol and so when I confront him about it he will say no…as if I don’t already know the truth. Of course about 15 minutes later he will come to me and tell me the truth. A week ago, we were out for supper and he obviously drank too much… and so we had an argument at the restaurant. He told me lies to me because he is scared of me because I am so judgmental. (As if that is an excuse to lie to your wife) He told me how he drinks to just deal with the stresses his work and his lazy and constantly complaining team members are. To me that is all just fucked up excuses and self-medicating is only going to lead to bigger problems.

I feel as if I am on my own. He is either snoring up a storm and sleeping or he is busy working until who know what time.

• I wake up and go to work (South African Time)
• He is sleeping when I leave.
• He starts work 11am (South African Time, as the UK is behind us)
• Throughout the day I will talk to him via and barely receive a response from him (this of course could be because he is either very busy at work or has gone off to the liquor store)
•  I get home (besides the house being in a mess he will still be working)
• I arrange of cook supper and he is still working and barely acknowledges that I am home.
• I will eat supper and he will either be still working (now working overtime, because he is so invested in his job and loves being the man guy)
• He will then come join me and eat.
• And then I will just mosey on to bed and ready my kindle while he hopes on and off checking his trading site, work spreadsheet, checking his car which if parked out on the street.

I wish I never got married.

I wish I never got back together with him.

It sucks that I feel this way, because I do love him, but I hate him too.

It is during these moments when I start wondering off in my mind thinking about how I wish he would leave me, but I doubt he would ever, I mean why would he when he lives in a nice flat that he doesn’t seem to contribute much to, he has a wife who he just goes soppy on and she will hand over her debit card for him to buy liquor on and she will steed feed him… FUCK! I am not really sounding very good! I fantasize about him one day having drunk too much and succumbed to his drinking. Or one day meeting my perfect guy and actually having an affair. And those thoughts make me feel like shit!

• When I mentioned this, he went actually had the audacity to tell me that I was smelling musk.
• He told me that the reason he drinks Vodka is because it doesn’t leave a smell. Little does he know that when you have drunk enough of it that eventually it will leave a smell. Little does he know that too much of anything does start to show and bring out the bad.

What I ask myself is…

Last year I thought losing weight would make him want to fight for us and for me. Well, I am losing the weight, but he is more interested in the weight that he has lost, while eating like I eat, even though he does still sneak meals and treats here and there and still self-medicate on booze.

Maybe what I should really do is move on and really end things!