Feeling Like My Heart Won’t Beat
This morning I left home early. As I was walking out of the flat, my husband stopped me and said…
and as I walked out I replied 
Since I have been at work, I have had this pain in my heart and been holding back tears. I mean I have a full face of makeup on, so last thing I need to to have, is mascara running down my cheeks…
Being this person that he has made me have to be, is not me. I am not a mean person. I will go out of my way just to suit someone else, particularly if I love them.
He WhatsApped me just now to tell me that he is at work. And that he got in late. He explained to his boss why he was late and told his boss what is going on and that he needs to go to rehab. So he is sending me a link of this rehab facility for addicts. But I am not responding to him nor am I going to look further into this rehab. Because I don’t know if I should believe him…he could just be telling me all this to make me believe that everything is okay and I can forgive him and see that he is trying, and I don’t know how to act and what to do.
I just want to curl up, in bed and cry! This is not how life is supposed to be.
Last night I went onto my Facebook account and deleted most of the pictures I have with him, I deleted our wedding album, I changed my Profile name back to my maiden name, I changed my ‘relationship status’ to “SINGLE”, I ‘unfriended’ all…okay most, of the friends that I have, that are more his friends, as well as his family.
Al though there have been many times where I have not worn my wedding ring, but the last few days, particularly now, when I have not worn it, I feel the emptiness. Is this because it is final? Am I now ready for him to actually leave and for me to start my adult life again, on my own?
Honey, I’m here. 💜
Thank You, Hun! 😘
Warning Comment
I haven’t abandoned you. I’m still here!! I’ve been absent and wallowing in my own stuff – isolating, when I need to be with my friends and getting it all out, but I’m still here if you need me!
Thank You, @caria !
What has got you isolating and staying away? I am here for you too! 😘
@ncumisa You know I’m scheduled to have gastric bypass on Wednesday, and I am freaking out about it. I’ve also been diagnosed with advanced non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, which makes this surgery even more dangerous than usual. I’m worried about how it will all go, and if my time is short whether or not I want to go through all this pain and whatever goes along with it for the rest of my life. I tend to isolate and not talk, when I should be talking.
@caria, I am glad you are talking to me at least. I get the whole not wanting to talk thing, but you really should.
Why are doctors letting you have a gastric bypass when you have advanced non-alcoholic cirrhosis? I would think that would render you not suitable for the GB.
Look I am no medical professional, so I cannot give you any factual advise. But from seeing what my sister went through after having the GB; constant throwing up and discomfort, I am not so certain if going that route is the best for you. But look not meaning to scare you any more. But I would suggest that you get into a buddy system and learnt to open up. You are going to need an outlet and people checking up on you.
I know if I had the capital for it, I would def do it now.
Be strong! Reach out to me or anyone close at any time. I apologize in advance for any delayed responses on my side….I do live in a different time zone. But please be careful. 😘💗
@ncumisa Oh, no apologies needed. Well, I do have to have this discussion with my PCM and my surgeon, but the surgery does happen when people have cirrhosis.. and my GI also recommended it. I need to find out more before this actually happens.
You have just a few hours.
Warning Comment
Hard spot you are in.
I’m sitting here nodding my head/then shaking my head, as I imagine and also perhaps a bit relate to this spot- I’ve given up wanting to be only kind and lightness, when faced with a certain level of impossible. We’re only human.
Take gentle care, of you, at this time.
Hey, @bronner !
Thank you. I did cave last night. And even though my sister is most likely furious at me for caving me, I understand that he is in a tough position and he doesn’t choose alcohol to get drunk and ruin himself. He needs help. I have been there. (Well not with the alcohol thing, but I do suffer from depression)
I like how you say ‘We’re only human’ – because that is so very true.
Warning Comment
I think you are feeling empty because you are realizing he is really not ready or willing to change, not for you or for himself. I’m sorry, I know how hard this is I really do. I wish he would prove me wrong.
@happyathome , I would like to think he may be. Yesterday and today he has been talking a lot about rehab and stuff. I am trying hard not to be naïve and believe him 100%. I can only and should only take him seriously when he goes to a rehab and when he puts in all the work to say sober, now it is all just talk and links for a center.
@ncumisa Well I pray he really does it this time. He is very lucky and blessed to have someone love him so much and believe in him even when he doesn’t believe in himself. Time will tell.
😘
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