Exhausted

Honestly I am so tired…

tired of being fat

tired of carrying the weight of the house on my shoulders

tired of shutting myself out when my husband and his sister go on a drinking binge

tired of trying to keep us all  afloat but no one really holding me up

I could go on and on and on but it all comes down to the same thing.

I love him but I am feeling used. I love him but I feel as if he is giving me just enough love and attention to make me believe that it is enough holding on and that he is trying too.

There is so much I need to do but there is just not enough hours in a day for me to get it all done. My conversion exam is just 21 days away and I haven’t even began to study or do anything to get me more prepared for it. I am meant to have the Bariatric Op at the end of November but I haven’t lost much or any weight for it and I am not eating correctly to make the Team trust that I am ready for it. I have so much weighing on this Op happening and I am scared I don’t get the go ahead and I just fall into a further depression .

I have been taking my antidepressants religiously but last night while lying in bed the thought of slitting my wrests just seems so enticing. I could end all this confusion, exhaustion, depression, thinking and ugliness. But what held me back was the thought of getting blood onto clean white linen….. so the fact that I changed the linen on Friday night might just have been what saved my life.

Lately I have thinking about her a lot. I have been missing her so much. What I would give just to curl up into her hug and have her tell me everything was going to be alright. I know she would be proud of me but knowing it isn’t the same as hearing her say it to me. I miss my mom so much. What I would give just to have her here with me right now. To have her just hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright.

I wake up this morning with a message from my bio mom asking me to call her and a WhatsApp message from my half sisters daughter asking me to buy them prepaid electricity. FUCK! It is just so hard having to juggle up so many balls while still leaving yours on the floor and not bothering to actually prioritise that one.

The plan was on Friday night my husband and I would scrub our flat clean. I started off with the kitchen and then it came time for me to switch onto Zoom for the Shul service. His cleaning MOJO is music playing and of course alcohol. I asked him to turn the music down so I could listening into my Shul service but he wasn’t too bothered; he told me on Thursday that he is booking the lounge to clean and play music….so guess that meant tough shit to me. The lounge kinda was the only place I could zoom into the service. My sister in law is staying in our study and I need space for the Amidah etc. So I sat through Shul with YouTube playing music at top volume and he wasn’t even cleaning. He spent the whole time chatting to his sister. So while I had the headphones on I was still straining to hear what was been said and sung and prayed in Shul over the music and them laughing. Afterwards I continued cleaning and he turned the lounge upside down and did nothing, just sat talking snd drinking with his sister. I will say this though she has been helping with washing up the kitchen etc but I am sick and tired of keeping 3 people alive and healthy on my own.

Okay 5pm is coming and I need to get prepared for tomorrow and the new work week!!

Please may this week be better than the past and please can I find myself and put myself 1st beyond just sleeping when I want, eating badly to comfort my soul and isolating.