Day 11: Something You Always Think ‘What If’ About…

On the 19th of March 2005 I was an 18 year girl…just starting my life as a Financial Accounting Student at Stellenbosch University. It was a Friday: after a day at Uni and making the schlep from Stellenbosch to Mouillie Point, to spend the weekend at home with my family and friends, I assume I had a great Shabbat supper at home with my mom and dad and family friends…and according to my mom I was too tired to go to my Jewish Youth Movement Meeting after supper…but after desert I came running into the lounge and told everyone that I was being fetched to go to the meeting.

Now I don’t remember what happened that night…hell I don’t even remember being in University…but about 2 weeks later after that night I woke up to find myself in a hospital.

What happened?

I was in a car accident on our way home from the meeting. The driver of the car I was in, died on impact and I ended up in hospital with a broken Femur Bone and a Serious Head Injury…after being in a coma for 2 weeks I had to go through a lot to be able to join the outside world again and for about a year after getting home I did physio and OT every day… but now what does all this have to do with my ‘what if?’

Well… because of the accident I suffered short term memory…depression…I lost my social character and turned away from my friends for awhile…and still to this day I do everything with my husband and don’t start social gatherings with the few friends I still have from when I was in High School and the few I have met over the past 17 years…I lose my patience quickly and fail to follow through with much….I have tried to study accounting and bookkeeping so many times but I just get so caught up in other stuff I neglect my studies….dieting? gym? – those are things I have tried and keep trying to conquer but I lose interest and would rather sleep longer and eat a slat or two of chocolate.

I now work in a job that I feel I am better than but since I don’t have a degree/diploma there isn’t much else I can do. From all the binge eating I did after the accident I grew to be fat, even though I always have been bit larger than most girls in my age group, I am now morbidly obese. Because of my head injury I started suffering with depression and over the years it has only gotten worse and I am now on Anti-Deps and will be on them for the rest of my life. My mood swings can be erratic and suicide thoughts have often kept me awake over the years…

So what does the accident that I was in 16 years ago have to do with my ‘what if’ ???

I often wonder ;What My Life Would be Like now if I listened to my body and stayed at home that night. If I didn’t go to the meeting.

No one can say that my life would have turned out better…

I mean there is a chance I would have never met my husband…and besides my profession having been different I am pretty sure my story would not be what it is now…and I am not sure if it would have been better…I am lucky to be living the life that I am now…I think I have to just treasure that!

Carina

Wow! You’ve come a long way from such an horrific accident! It’s awesome that you can treasure your life… gratitude for having one at all!

The “what if” … it’s that road not taken thing. What if I’d have turned left instead of right? Where would my life be now? I totally get it. I think we all do that to a degree. I wasn’t in an accident with a life-threatening TBI as you had, but I’m in the same boat as you with the depression, and being morbidly obese. It’s why I’m considering bariatric surgery. I’m approved and been through all the steps to have it, I’m just afraid because it’s so forever life altering, and once I do it, there’s no going back. And it doesn’t come without risk of bad side effects, and/or death if something goes wrong with the surgery.

I don’t know if you’re a believer or not, and it’s not the same kind of ‘what if’ but there’s a song out now by Matthew West singing about not having any “what ifs” when he gets to the end of his life. It’s the not having regrets, and living life to the fullest where you are right now cuz you can’t change the past. It’s pretty upbeat and catchy. It’s a song I crank up in my car and sing along to whenever I hear it.

Give it a listen. Tell me what you think. 🙂

Be well.

1 reply

Just listened to the song….and I like the words and meaning behind it but Matthew West isn’t someone I would have on repeat. My ‘What If’ song is the one by Kane Brown and Lauren Aliana.

Considering how I live and how I am these days I don’t think I treasure my life enough.

My sister had bariatric surgery lil over 10 years ago…and he looks good. I have considered it and gone through the list of all the doctors to see before and as much as I would love to be thinner and have a quick fix I am quite neurotic about having the op and have chickened out. I mean if I could afford it now and was booked to have it in 2 weeks I would…but I don’t want to go through all the what ifs and docs all over again.

You know it is life changing and drastic and has lots of dangers but I see my sister and a family friend who had it a few years after her and how their lives have changed and how happy there, makes me wish I did it when I had the chance and makes me happy for them. I honestly think if you can, you should do it!!