Day 1 of Focusing on Being Happy…

Today is the day…

Today I get my first tattoo.

He rearranged his day, so he could come with me…and he agreed to pay for it.

Get to the tattoo parlor…fill in forms (off a phone as it is the 21st century and pen and paper is so last millenium)…hey since it is electronic I don’t have to sign…I just take a selfie.

So the tattoo artist begins….basically wets a sketch of my quote on my wrist. I take a look at it and figure well that wasn’t so bad…and figure I will just go with the new imprint.

Yeah…not so quickly…

He puts on a new needle or whatever, then dips it into ink and then I hear the whisper of zzzzzzz….zzzz

I take a deep breathe in and off he goes… at first it wasn’t too bad….but then the closer to my palm he went the more I shouted words not to be said out loud in public. It wasn’t too bad…kinda felt like pouring savlon onto an open cut. It stings for a bit but then it is all good and is now something I continue to stare at….

So afterwards,  my husband decides we should go to a restaurant for lunch…I like this place and introduced him to it….so I am game since I haven’t eaten since my work thing yesterday.

While I am driving there he questions what I meant yesterday, when I told him he needs to move on…

What did I mean? I meant that I couldn’t keep living the same fiasco ever few days/weeks/months. He is 37 and he needs to learn how to manage things. I was sick and tired of hearing him make promises to see a therapist and to stop drinking but then a week later he tells me that he will see a therapist when he is ready to, and then for him to be drinking on and on and on again. I told him that if this was what he chose to do then I was stepping aside and he can do it somewhere else.

He didn’t take that well and he replied about how I had to stop wanting to fix him, and that only he could fix himself. He is okay with the way things are and the fact that he works and provides for his family and me, is enough and he will do what he wants outside of that.

He goes on about how I need to focus on myself and do what I have set out to do…study, loose weight, get a new job. He tells me that I should stop focusing on  him. well maybe I should and just do me and live for myself…

So we ate and we drank and so did he….figured how I would just ignore it.

He goes on asking if I love him. I am so tired answering that question and then been badgered and questioned about how my actions don’t portray that….and how I said to him 3 years ago that “marrying him was my biggest regret”….

So our food comes and immediately he asks the waiter for the bill. So while I am eating he pays for lunch….except he forgot his pin so he asks me…I give it to him….but his card doesn’t go through…he does this about 4 times. The waiter gets called to another table and I tell him to go. He comes back and my husband tries a few more times and the card still won’t go through…so I grab the machine and pay for lunch. Of course I am given then whole “you think you are better than me because you paid for lunch…and why have you got an attitude now…” I just ignored it.

He continued to rant about how I judge him, and how he doubts I love him….how I only do things that my dad and older sister approve of and tell me to do….how I need to grow up and decide for myself what I want…he just goes on and on and on…. of course during this I did tear up a lil…but I pulled up my Big Girl Pants,  got up and waited in the car for him.

My first day of being happy isn’t going so well. Got a tattoo…everyone that I have shown loves it…it is a long weekend in Soutb Africa….sun is shining…but I am at home…my husband is snoring on the bed in the study (it is 16h39 and he has been sleeping since about 15h40) and I am alone on a Saturday…

In a previous entry I wrote how I didn’t want to end things with him because besides loving him, a part of me was scared of being alone. Well right now I am married and still alone….so not sure how valid my excuse is.