Chasing The Sky…

I miss this show…well I hated the last few seasons and I hate what Jussie Smollet did…but this entry isn’t about Empire…this entry is about me…well my relationship…

“You’re up in the sky
But you ain’t flying straight”

How do I put into words how I feel about that line…

Well when I hear it I think about my husband and how the things he says are not really practical…but then part of me does feel bad for thinking that way and for not pushing him to excel…maybe I am just a pessimist…or…I dunno…naa…I am the glass is HALF FULL…not half EMPTY…

Okay let’s break it down…

My husband and I got together officially in 2012, even though we were dating long distance and our relationship relied on whatsapp conversations and talking on the phone…we thought we were a sure thing…it felt good.

He was studying to be a Compliance Officer…I was trying to pursue my dream of becoming a Chartered Accountant, while selling books at a book store, at the V&A Waterfront.

He used to talk so big…he was 28 years old…and was so sure of it all…

At the end of that year, after travelling to see each other every few months he decided he was going to move down to be with me…we were going to live together…

So I went and found a flat for us to rent and prepared it for us…and got so excited…

Well he moved down and at first it was great…but then it all started…he started to work as a waiter in a hotel and so he would com home late at night and at first I wanted to test him…not sure what I wanted to test him on but I wouldn’t take him to work or fetch him…to this day he can still remember how I did that. So he would walk home from work…  I couldn’t have done that for that long, since I remember how I used to fetch him every night after work…even if I was in my jammies, I would wait up for his message telling me he was getting ready to leave work.

I think the drinking problem, for us, started then…he would drink at work and I never knew then…but there were times when I would come back from work, and he had been off, and he would be so drunk and we would argue and shout at each other…

But anyway…back to the song line… You’re up in the sky…But you ain’t flying straight

Often he tells me how he is going to build his own empire and his kids will become snobs because they will have everything that they ever will want and his name is going to be on a building…and he will own the big house that I want and we will drive the cars that we dream about…

Now that ambition was great when we were in our 20’s…but now

• he is 37 and I just turned 35.
• neither of us have degrees or diplomas…or are anywhere close to getting one
• we don’t have kids
• we basically live pay check to pay check
• we share a car that my father bought for me in 2012

Now I don’t mean to be such a downer but that ambition does seem more unlikely every day…and since I am a women and I have a biological clock…which I don’t think ever switched on, because I have PCOS, the possibility of me having kids seems more unlikely every month…

Where do I go?
When I can’t go home?

Home is where the heart is right…home is where mom is?? I miss that. I left home back in 2012, when my dad started to bring home his girlfriend and I couldn’t stand seeing some other women in my mom’s bed…yes I know she was not alive anymore…but it just felt wrong…

So I left home and figured I would create my own home…and it has its good times….but often my home is place filled with so much pain, and tears, and shouting…it doesn’t feel like home anymore. My sister has asked me to go up to her…and as much as I miss her and her kids and my other sister and her kids…thinking of being up there kinda makes me sad…I know I will see her in a lovely house…driving a nice car…with a husband that makes her feel secure, to some extent…I mean they have had their issues too…and I will see my nieces and nephews…how I would love to give them little black cousins. Sometimes I just don’t feel like I have home anymore…

Take every piece
Every piece of me
Whatever you need

As much as I would like to think that I wake up everyday…and live that day for me…I know I live a lot of the day for him. Everything that I do is for him and me and our home…there is nothing that I do without asking how it will effect my husband and myself.

Often I feel as if he is just so accustomed to having everything done for him…that he doesn’t consider about doing something too…

When we are arguing he will tell me how he fights and stresses over how he can provide for me and his family….he goes on about how everything he does is for us and he doesn’t know what more he can do….

Now I know this maybe weird, considering everything that I have said….but he is right….but it is just not enough…

How is he right? 

Well if I ever need money, if he has he will give it to me.

If I am feeling down he will try and console me and make me feel better

He does motivate me, when I talk to him about things that I do or want to do.

He won’t bring me down when I stumble and give up or fail.

Oh gosh…after writing all that I sure do sound like a BITCH!! and as if I have nothing to cry about….

Why am I upset? 

Well I don’t even know how to put how I feel into words…

I feel as if he is all talk and doesn’t follow through…like the debit orders that are on my name…and the accounts being on my name…he doesn’t actually question any of that or try to alleviate any of it.

Last night he went on about how he was and has always been dead set against opening any credit accounts. Now in the past I have opened a few so we could furnish our home and just make life a lil easier for ourselves. When the stuff arrived he never questioned it…and I paid for those accounts on my own. I even got my dad now to help close them.

Supper? Supper is about 98% my doing….I order….I buy…I cook…if I ask him to braai he moans and doesn’t want to and kinda implies how it is all on me. But he does take me out for supper when he can pay…and he does treat me well…

Oh my gosh while I am writing all this I kinda feel like I am nit-picking on such minor issues… the real issue is his drinking….how he drinks and drinks and drinks and how he will just get so angry and so domineering and….am I just looking for something to be upset about? Yes his drinking is a problem…but it isn’t as bad as it was back in 2013-2015….when he held a steak knife to my face…when he flipped a bed I was lying on…when he pushed me to the floor…when he twisted my hand…maybe I need to let that all go…if I really want to move on I need to let that go.

Maybe I should talk to him about both of us getting over our demons….

• Him drinking
• Me being afraid of the drunk him
• Me and my sugar addiction.

 Maybe we need to reconnect and just find our own solitude and peace.