Blame it on Me…

The next few songs are meant to be happy and about me…but tonight he broke down and while he sleeps I am left pondering how did I miss this and how can I fix this…

I’m sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone

He is the Middle child…the first born son…

Since the day I met him his father as being trying to get asylum in the UK and in some kind of way I feel as if his father has neglected him and his family and so the stresses of his home weighs down on him.

I’m sorry for the times that I had to go
I’m sorry for the fact that I did not know

That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me

I’m sorry for the times I would neglect
I’m sorry for the times I disrespect

Having been brought up being the baby of the family and still to this day getting my family’s full attention, I guess I have just expected the same from him too. I have expected him to get me and make me the center of his universe and for him to only ever consider me, but with all this who is worrying about him?

Sorry for the things that I did not say
Like how you are the best thing in my world
And how I’m so proud to call you my girl

I don’t think I say it enough to him…or maybe he just doesn’t it hear it enough. Everyone just expects answers from him and for him to shoulder all the stresses but who is there for him.

Tonight he burst into tears and after a lot of pushing from me he finally let it out… he can only stand so much and I think he has reached his limit.

Everyone at his work demands answers from him.

His mother and sister and brother turn to him for help and put all their stresses on him.

I add onto that stress, while I stretch him further demanding more financial assistance, love, warmth, babies, affection, and probably so much more.

I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show

Men cannot show their weakness so what does he turn to…he turns to the liquor and he drowns his sorrow. He washes his pain and hides his shame behind it all and I come home and poke the bear. Seems like while I cry about him hurting me, I am doing the exact same. He chose me to share his life with and he chose me to support and protect him.

While he was crying in my arms, I was so ready to pick up the phone and tell his work to FUCK off and in that same moment call his family and tell them to sort out their own problems. But none of that is my place. I have got to push up my bra and be the wife that he needs me to be. I need to rescue the man that I love that is slowly drowning in the tsunami that is life.

If I can’t apologize for being wrong
Then it’s just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
Said you can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

I will always be his partner and I will always block and punches he may receive from others because he too is human and cannot be all they need him to be. I would like to believe there is a reason that I have kept holding on through the years…why I kept on the abuse and pain and turmoil…somewhere I suppose I have always known that I am his savior…okay that sounds vain, I don’t know what I am trying to say…I guess I am his helper…I need to put aside my personal pain and petty moods, and be there for him. He agreed that he will take off work next week…and instead about it being about me, I will make it be about him. I will take his mind off his stresses and I will make him appreciate the beauty that surrounds him.

He actually wants to go to church this Sunday. I told him that I cannot and will not go with him, as I intend to start a new path with G-d but I will guide him on his new journey.

I need to stop making this all about me and help him find his light and his right way. Hey maybe while I right my happy lyrics and posts, he can find his happiness too…