Being Alone

Seems like I don’t like being alone. A huge reason why I left my previous job was because I felt so alone there…now in this job…besides HR and my boss finding issues with me…I feel so alone there….and now I am sitting watching rugby alone and I feel so depressed being alone. I am so prepared to ditch the lounge and watch Netflix with my husband.

we have been binging on The Rookies and The Lincoln Lawyer.

I am stressing a lot the last 48+ hrs. Don’t know what I will do if I lose my job but I am not really that happy in it…so plan this weekend was to apply for some other jobs but spent the day sulking…sleeping…streaming from bed with my husband.

Often today I have thought about ending my life. But I have kept thinking about what that would do to all the people I love and kept asking myself if I really want to and my life. But what am I living for. I don’t see a positive future for myself. I don’t see a happy festive season for myself.

I hate that I am being so negative and pessimistic. I just want something good to happen.

I need something good to happen and I need to make a change. Not sure how or when but something good has to happen and I need to stop thinking that miraculously it will happen without me having to do something.

while watching The Rookie one of the actresses said something that got me thinking. And as hard as it is, I need to think the same way.

“when you focus on the future too much you cause anxiety…and when you focus on the past, you will get depressed. Focus on the present and live” – okay I may have paraphrased that a lil.

I think I have been focusing too much on the future and not planning for it. I have not lived enough in the present.