אני קושית יפה/I’m a Cute Black Girl Pg 10

Today during Shul, I felt a feeling that not only makes me feel regretful, but also ashamed. I felt jealous. Because of Covid-19 many young Jews missed out celebrating their Bnei Mitzvah with family and friends…they missed out on the opportunity of holding the Torah, reciting a Passage from it and being celebrated in Shul.

In today’s service the Bnei Mitzvah graduates were recognized in shul. Collectively they got their chance to wear their Tallit in Shul and they got to lead parts of the service as a group.

But what really got to me…what really made me feel jealous…is they got a chance to stand up on the bima and stand in front of their parents and grand parents, as they got blessed.

That is something that I will never get the chance to have. I missed my chance. How I wish so badly that my mother was here with me, getting to physically witness me taking this next step in my life. I look forward to one day getting a blessing from my Abba when I graduate next year…but she will be missing and I will always crave her blessing.

This morning as I prepared for my Zoom Shul service I put on my dress. Last night I wore pants and a formal shirt, and felt bad to be at ‘Shul’ and not respecting Hashem enough, as I wore pants, so I made the added effort to wear a dress this morning. 1 of my only 2 dresses. It bothered me so much when I saw how the women at the Progressive Shul wore pants and showed their shoulders…particularly when they went on the Bima; while they were blessed and blessed their offspring. And there were so many Young Women who showed their knees while in Shul…I know in Progressive Judaism, Women are allowed to wear pants and are allowed to wear a Kippah and Tallit, and they are allowed to show their shoulders and knees, but I just feel that no matter what you are and no matter what year we are in, the Shul is still Hashem’s house and we are to still respect him. When I saw women wearing Tallit in shul this morning, I got this feeling of confusion in me. I grew up going to an Orthodox Shul and I never saw a women wear a Tallit. The first time I ever saw that was when I attended a Progressive Shul and saw one of the Shul’s Rabbi’s wear one. Part of me wanted to go out and get myself one so I too could wear one on Shabbat Mornings or at Morning Festival Services, but a larger part of me feels like I should still hold that privilege to Jewish Men…maybe I will feel differently as I become more Jewish.

This past week the Rabbi discussed Tallit, Tefillin and the Mezuzah. She asked if anyone of the students remembered a passage that this is mentioned on Shabbat. Me being shy and not wanting to sound like a ‘Know it All’ kept quite. In the back of my head I remembered the reference but couldn’t quite put my hands on it, so I kept quite but just before she was about to announce it, I ‘Unmuted’ and said how on Shabbat we recite wearing prayers on our foreheads, arms and on the doorpost. She was impressed and asked what the prayer was called….

Many people who know me, know how I like to prove everyone wrong and I like to be the show off in class…boast about my knowledge, so it felt good knowing this and being able to gloat.

Wow, this week I sure have been filled with many negative emotions, but I am still learning. But I do still feel lonely. I still wish that I wasn’t doing this on my own.

Last night I had Shabbat Supper with my husband and it felt good. It felt good that we had a moment where we were alone and isolated from Technology, work and any other outside interferences and we could just appreciate each other and Hashem.

Once I have converted I will be allowed to give myself a Hebrew name. It is still early days and I haven’t full chosen one yet, but I know that I would like to commemorate my Late Mother. So one day I plan to possibly ask my Father and Sisters about having her Hebrew Name.