אני קושית יפה/I’m a Cute Black Girl pg 1
My late mom’s Israeli friend taught me that phrase when I was a very little girl. And throughout my whole childhood, whenever I was asked to say that phrase I would say it with a big smile…I was speaking Hebrew. I was told that it meant…
I used google now and a derogatory phrase was used for “BLACK” – so I am not feeling so chuffed about shouting that phrase out now…but I am sure when I was taught that phrase it was never taught to me in a malicious manner and I don’t think the family friend meant “Negro” in a bad way.
This year I am doing it…I am becoming יהודי שחור יפה 
Last Tuesday our first lesson began…well not much of a lesson. It was a meet and greet and the whole getting to know you and everyone telling each other why they were embarking on this new journey.
Some were converting because they felt a calling to the religion…others were getting married to a Jewish person…then there were those who had children with a Jew and been living life together and is now deciding to make life easier for the child and having a home with 1 religion…then there was this guy who it seems just liked the idea of being Jewish and wanted to further his knowledge of Judaism and is currently studying various languages, so figured learning Hebrew would be cool…and of course there were a few others who also explained their calling to the religion.
…when I look back on my life and I look at who is around and when I recognize that the times when I have felt more myself and when I have felt content…was when I was surrounded by Judaism
But it is more than just that…I know all those things will still be around whether I am Jewish or not…but over the past few years I have felt lost. I didn’t know what I was and when I turned to Christianity and I tried to instill those beliefs in me, I couldn’t fully dedicate myself to it. I respect all religions and their followers but I never quite understood it all. Whenever I was in Church and the Pastor would speak a teaching to us, I would try and relate that to Judaism…everything I did and thought was me reaching out to Hashem and not Jesus. Often when I wanted to pray to G-d I would turn to the East and pray to him facing Jerusalem. Even though I couldn’t call myself Jewish, it was still instilled in me and was my true calling.
On Thursday we did our Hebrew class. Our 1st Hebrew class. Oh My Gosh! It is going to be hard, but knowing that I am doing this with many other people who are also new to this is uplifting. Knowing that I am not on my own, is comforting. I know my father and sisters will always be there to help me. Well they have always been there for me.
Looking back on this week…looking at what lies ahead for me as I become Jewish…there is one very important person missing. Over the years I have gotten past not having her standing next to me. I thought getting through my wedding day was going to be hard without her there with me…but I found a way to feel her love…may that have been while I wore her mother’s ring…while I spoke to her; in my own moment of silence, when my sister and I saw a flock of birds fly over the harbor…I know my mother is with me…but I just really wish she was alive with me as I was doing this.
On Friday night I was hoping to light the Shabbat candles using the Stand she used every Friday night and Yom Tov…but I couldn’t get the candle sticks cleaned in time. But having them on my dining room table just warmed my heart. Let me know that she would be with me as I recited the prayer and as I sat down for Supper with my husband…
…but I know my mother was watching, and I am sure she was proud.
The whole night I kept thinking how I would like to one day…when I have my house…invite my fellow students to join me for a Shabbat dinner.
While growing up, every Friday night my family and I would join another, may that be at our home or theirs, but we would bring in Shabbat together. That is what I love about Judaism…the feeling of family…of being part of a community and knowing there will always be someone thinking about you and ready to invite you into their nest.
Saturday morning at the Shul service we had a Bar-mitzvah. It was so sad how the shul was only open for his immediate family, so there wasn’t that normal hype…because of this damn virus…but he got some family from Australia to read portions of the Torah and bless him, over Zoom.
During class…well the first night…when everyone was meeting and greeting each other some people had their spouses there with them and I just wished mine was with me. I mean I can’t blame him for not being there, he had to work and I never asked him to be with me…but when I saw some men converting for their spouses/fiancée’s I felt lonely and jealous. I just wish I wasn’t doing this alone….
Hopefully, your husband will join you at some point in your journey to at least support you. My husband is Catholic, but he balks about going to church with me, or even practicing the faith, but he did watch online Midnight Mass with me at Christmas – and participated, which shocked me. The other shocker is that every time we drive past a Catholic church, he crosses himself because he knows Jesus is present in the Tabernacle. I was surprised to see him do it. I just do me and worry about me and my own faith, but I pray for him. What happens with his faith life is between him and God. He’s either going to fully accept God, or he won’t, and truth is… I don’t know what’s in his heart now. He says he prays.
As much as I want to share my faith with my husband, and practice it with my husband, and it feels lonely to go it alone… I do what I have to do and let God handle the rest. 🙂
@caria – I totally get you.
My husband can recite the bible and he will call out his holiness. And I respect that. But when you do so many things, knowingly going against the bile I hate it when you pledge that because you believe in Christ everything will be okay. I believe that you have to repent and atone for your sins and obviously it is between you and G-d.
He told me, last year he would support me and he will partake in services and celebrations, but I don’t know now if he means it. Anyway I am doing this for myself and any kids I may be blessed with.
You must do you, and figure out what is good for you and find your own community/family to share your faith with. That is what I intend to do.
😘
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I converted to Catholicism for many of the reasons that you mention converting to Judaism. I grew up with a very generic version of Christianity, in which I was basically taught to love everyone, be charitable, and love the Divine, which my mom called Jesus.
Despite teaching me about Jesus, my mom had her own emotional struggles (she still does) and after divorcing her first husband, who was not my father, she got together with a drug user. My teen years were very stressful and chaotic, and one day, a friend at school asked me if I’d like to go to church with her.
That church was very fundamentalist, and suddenly being a Christian meant adhering to so many arbitrary rules.
I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I came to a place in which I believe that “God” is Love. Every act of love is an act of God. The Catholic Church that I attended was the first church I’d ever gone to that felt like it was ok to think. Before I was confirmed, I told my priest that I didn’t know if I believed that Jesus was divine and I did not believe that Mary was a virgin. He confirmed me anyway.
I’m looking forward to reading your other entries. Thank you for sharing your journey.
@oniongirl – thank you for sharing that. I believe that religion is very personal and not everyone feels the same way about the other about it. I respect your Priest still respecting you for your belief if Mary and Jesus. Now I am not going to either agree or disagree with you. I don’t know how I feel about either Mary or Jesus….but I look forward to eventually having an opinion on them.
I look forward to knowing you more, too.
Keep well.
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