Rudolph the red nosed reindeer: EXPOSED.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, here I will take one of our most Beloved Christmas carols of all time, and rip it apart to show you the TRUTH behind this horrifying demented song!

Let’s start foremost, by giving the general lyrics.

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows (like a lightbulb)

all of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games (like monopoly (or some other game))

then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudolph with your nose so bright
won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

then how the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee (yippee)
“Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
you’ll go down in history.” (like [insert some president or famous guy here])

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Now lets take a deeper look, shall we?    |
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Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows (like a lightbulb)

Notice how they don’t mention any other physical characteristics of the poor victim here, (henceforth known as Mr. R.) in fact the only thing they do take note of, is his deformed nose. And even in animation, they make him smaller, making him seem inferior to all the “Normal” or “in” reindeer!

all of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names
they never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games (like monopoly (or some other game))

If you can’t see it here, you’re blind my friends. Clearly, the reindeer are laughing at poor Mr.R. And why? all because his nose is a different color, and lights up.  Nobody likes this poor Reindeer… all because a simple nose? And why not let him play games damnit? I mean, just because he’s got a fucked up nose doesn’t mean he’s no good at playing board games, or whatever they play. None of them have oposable thumbs, so I’m assuming they all suck just about the same anyways. Idiots.

then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
“Rudolph with your nose so bright
won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

Maybe they should just change this to how Some big lazy AMERICAN fat man wearing a fuzzy red jumpsuit finally finds a use for this deformation? He’s only using Rudolph for his nose. Prior to that, he was useless. If I was rudolph, I’d tell that fat bastard no way. You’re screwed. And you have yourself and your damn deer to thank for that.

then how the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee (yippee)
“Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
you’ll go down in history.” (like [insert some president or famous guy here])

Oh deer god. (yes, pun intended)
Now that they have a use for this freakish nose, he all of the sudden becomes Mr. Popular? After what they did to him? the rejection, neglection and all the negative emotions and such? No way. You’re damn right he’ll go down in history, for being quite possibly the lamest, densest and ignorant of all the Christmas legends of all time.

Get’s treated like trash, until they find a way to USE him for all he’s worth and he happily bastes in it. What the hell. This is not a cheery, or merry song my friends.

It must be the evil work of SATAN!!!!!!!!

Well, I’m done. Have a merry christmas/happy chaunauka folks, if I don’t write before then. =)

– James
AIM/MSN: Ziktick(@hotmail.com for MSN users) feel free to contact me.
I’m going down in history, damnit.