Absurd.

1:00 in the morning.

Nobody is here to help me. I consider it for a split second, but quickly realize how fucking stupid that would be. I see people express it all the time. I see people say they want to do this. I see people say they are going to do. I have yet to see someone do it.  So, in short, I have seen many fakes. Many people who are trying so hard to be something they are not. For who’s sake, I don’t know.

1:20 in the morning.

I Try to find a cure. I try to work it out. I try to relieve myself. I try to help myself. With no success. My computer has been acting like shit, and it’s not getting better. I consider for a time, how these fucking idiots dedicate their life, to fuck up other peoples lives. I consider how so many people, day in and day out practice their hate. They are assholes with no reason. They are children. Today, I saw hundreds of people. 90% of them were children. And I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally. I see racists. I see sexists. I see foolhardy. I see Tomfoolery. I see idiots. And many, many of them. I see hypocracy. I see ignorance.

GOD do I see ignorance.

1:40 in the morning.

I consider many things. I think about friendships. I think about relationships. I think about those that have used me, I think about those I have used.  Why. Why would I stoop to their level.  My cousin. I was best friends with him for years. We were like brothers. I thought. But it turns out, he’s just a selfish prick at times, and lazy the rest of the time. He doesn’t call. but then again, most people don’t. He always wants to do something. But his idea of doin something usually involves some unattractive woman thats not his girlfriend, or video games. I think about how many days I’ve spent trying to help him figure out problems. Then I think about how he never even bothered to attempt to help me. I think about how I’m pissed, and now the only time I do stuff with him, is when I have no alternative, or I want to play the newest video game. Because his mother buys him movies and games almost everyday. And of course, her husband, my uncle, has no clue. Because they lie to him to.  now hows that for healthy. I think about how all these people that say they want me to talk to them so they can help me, don’t listen when I talk. They compare.  I can’t sleep. But unfortunatly for me, apparently, they haven’t slept in 3 days. And by not sleep, they mean they’ve gotten less then 6 hours of scattered sleep. And the true sleeplessness is stuck on people that don’t deserve it. Theresa comes to mind. Bryan comes to me. I come to mind. I think about the people that I try to help, whenever I can, because they need an ear. I think about how when I try to help, they get offended and hold it against me, because they called me seeking help. Well fuck that. I can just as easily hit that IGNORE button, then that TALK button, and forget your and your fucked up problems. But I don’t. Because I’m a decent human being. I’m not ignorant, I’m not overly obsessive with useless shit. I have my opinions and ideals, and I don’t need to hear about yours. I know what is OK for me to do, because what you may think is ok, is not to me. But you may not understand that. I’m not asking you to. Because in life, you won’t understand. You won’t understand most things. You have to accept your confusion, and go with the flow. I don’t want you to understand me. I just want you to listen. I don’t want to hear what I’m doing wrong in yours eyes. I want to hear how things can get better. I don’t want to hear how I missed a spot. I want to hear how great of a job I did, though I need to finish.

I don’t want to hear it anymore. I want to do it. Is that so much to ask?

I don’t know, because, as I said, there’s nobody to talk to.

As always,
         James

AIM/MSN: Ziktick(@hotmail.com for MSN users) feel free to contact me.
QUOTE OF THE MOMENT: Actually, part of a script, from a movie. Donnie Darko.

Donnie Darko: She was just standing there in the middle of the road, frozen. So I got out of the car and I walked over to her to see if she was okay. And she leaned over and whispered in my ear.

Dr. Thurman: What did she say?

Donnie Darko: I think Frank wants me to go talk to her, because the last time I saw him he asked me if I knew about time travel. And she wrote a book about it so that can’t be like a coincidence, right?

Dr. Thurman: Donnie, what did Roberta Sparrow say to you?

Donnie Darko: She said that every living creature on Earth dies alone.

Dr. Thurman: How did that make you feel?

Donnie Darko: It reminded me of my dog, Callie. She died when I was eight, and she crawled underneath the porch.

Dr. Thurman: To die?

Donnie Darko: To be alone.

Dr. Thurman: Do you feel alone right now?

Donnie Darko: I don’t know. I mean I’d like to believe I’m not, but I just… I’ve just never seen any proof so I… just don’t debate it any more it’s like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pros and cons, and in the end I still wouldn’t have any proof. So I just, I just don’t debate it any more. <laughs> It’s absurd. The search for God is absurd.

Dr. Thurman: The search for God is absurd?

Donnie Darko: It is if everyone dies alone.

Dr. Thurman: Does that scare you?

Donnie Darko: I don’t wanna be alone.