when to be disturbed

autopilot does not worry me at all.  it is not a false representation, or as some are tempted to believe about themselves, a different persona, it is simply a different element – there is a difference.  certain elements are exposed to those at work, a different combination of elements for those i speak to on the phone, and another again to those few colleagues who i do not trust.  different elements again are revealed to my family, different again for friends.
close friends see the most elements – my partner sees almost all.
some elements will always be private – this is a fact.  if anything, the elements of detachment make communication and interaction more difficult with those closest to me rather than those i am with while operating in autopilot.  i do not have sufficient relationship with these people to reveal enough elements to justify intimacy (at it’s primary level in any case) – but with those who have seen much, suddenly that much becomes unaccessable.
for example.
often times i am energetic with my partner.  i tease her when she sleeps in because i am up, i run around all day going from place to place engaging with enthusiasm whatever activity we choose to do.  however this makes life difficult for her when i have no energy at all, and i have very few words to say.  i think she is still reminded much of when i was ill.  that was a very difficult time.

and so the seasons are turning and i have begun the cycle of stillness – when i have little to say to those around me, and when i am the most charismatic around those that do not.  i am writing more, savouring simple things neither positive nor negative.  just existence.

that is all.

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Commentary
March 16, 2010

I seem to want to justify or explain things to the public at large here. Now of-course my behaviour indicates quite the opposite.