The speed of light

There is nothing more thrilling, more euphoric than the slow descent into absolute chaos and destruction.
It’s compelling.
Addictive.
More so the evasion of the disaster, the aversion of it.
At one extreme, gratification absolute that brings about total destruction.
At the other, denial and sorrow but ultimately altruism. Even selfishly, this is the most right and safe path.
There is reward in that. Doing the right thing. In the particular situation on which I write which I have shared with nought but one other person, god bless her.

At times, I am willing to give everything I have or may ever have to this thing. Surely, there must be someone who can facilitate it without all the damage, without the collateral, without me feeling like I’m leveraging evil and antagonising that chaos that is so addictive – a drug of the highest design, of the most potent artificial high and the most corrosive biological damage.

You accelerate yourself.
I accelerate myself.
Leverage everything that I have; illness, wellness, energy, lethargy, history, perspective, hope, fear, disappointment, anger, lust, benevolence, indifference, elitism, dismissal, excess and hunger… everything.
Everything I have and anything else I can think of, create or acquire.
Here reason has no more value and power than greed, altruism has no more weight and volume than hedonism.
It is chaos absolute, and it is the most addictive of drugs.

Somewhere in there, a pragmatist takes the medical approach and says ‘That’s actually all healthy; what you should do now is find a safe environment in which to exercise and express all of these things.’
An unruly, over-intelligent, wise-cracking smartass makes a sexual joke out of the environment in which to etcetera.
The romantic borrows agility from pragmatism and efficiently contrives fantasies to similar effect, only with more long walks on the beach and slower sex.
The bitter pessimist scoffs at it as a joke.

Vroenis, the only one named, views it with the neutrality he, the only one with a gender, at least for this evening, has either grown into or was born with. The entire discussion has equal value with any other; that is to say no value at all, and absolute value.

Tomorrow I’m going to try and hold this amped state in the fierce grip of discipline and make some Gunpla, eat unreasonable amounts of unhealthy food and hopefully maintain coherent conversations with the most exceptional and intelligent people on the planet.

Also, this may be a very complicated and on the whole, creative way of saying – in abstract, that I’ve not touched a woman in three years, and it may be getting to me. By now though, you should have been lost in all that bullshit I love so much.

Remember that everything is a test. Everything is a challenge. Everything is an invitation and a dismissal. For everything. For anything. For nothing at all. It’s very simple.