Still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Thanks to U2 for the title.
Well now, that can be interpretted in any number of ways, but we shall try and be selective in its meanings.
Life, in the capital ‘L’ sense of the term, must for these purposes be divided up a little. In one element, I am completely happy with my life, including all of my weaknesses, challenges, inclusive of illness and its on-going struggles, work, money, achievement both physical and non, etc. etc. etc. This tends to be my rather holistic Zen-like approach to life in general, a way of accepting life whatever it may be at whatever time. All things are necessary at all times.

One of the many unfortunate effects of my illness is a change in states of awareness. These range from subtle changes of perception to total loss. Enter medication. So far the medication has successfully kept the blanking or loss of awareness at bay, however in doing so has brought about a whole new set of challenges.
The paranoia hasn’t gone away so much as it has now evolved into a new form, mostly that the meds will eventually fail, and/or more evidently, the meds are chipping away at my sense of self. That more-or-less equates to a loss of awareness, so we’re back at the beginning.

What am I looking for?
These days I’m fond of touting things in life that are impossible to describe verbally. These things tend to be in the realm of the arts; film and such, but I feel that many things including life itself, fit into non-verbal expression. This is one of the core reasons for the arts; they are abstracts of things in life, emotions, reactions and responses, thoughts, ideas, that cannot be described literally. So back to the question – what am I looking for?
Now bear in mind the whole non-verbal thing, what you read here isn’t the whole picture. Perhaps you yourself will need to form your own abstract ideas and expressions to decipher what it is I’m on about. What I’m looking for is some kind of peace with this illness. I’m looking for a companion with which I can share this illness with, which itself is a giant ask. I’m looking for some kind of balance with meds, doctors and the sense of self that I won’t be so paranoid about. Some of you are aware of my other diary; in it I keep creating abstracts of my experiences with this illness, many of which stem from things I desire in life; a loving partner who strives to understand, someone who accepts and embraces the difficulties that come with joining with someone with bipolar-schizophrenia.

Most people I encounter don’t know the details of my illness, only that I am ill. It means that I have to change or be constantly aware of certain behaviours when I’m around them. Again, the medication greatly assists in this, but as mentioned before, paranoia evolves. Instead of my actions being instinctive and natural, there are times when they are forced, referenced from past history of my behaviour and set in motion purely as a matter of assesment rather than natural response.

I’ve said before that I enjoy difficult things, and this struggle as a whole is no different. There is a side fo my psyche which revels with delight at complex and difficult struggles; thinking along those Zen-like lines, (or would it be Buddhist?) perhaps that actually is the reason why I am ill, to occupy and shape my mind. I have no question accepting that line of thinking at all, and am open to any possibility in life.

I suppose one of my chief fears is that at some point I will lose the ability to enjoy life; people, the arts, food… food… man that would suck. But for the moment at least I don’t seem to be going too badly. I’ll hopefully have an appointment with a new psychiatrist sometime in the coming weeks, and my relationship with my GP gets better and better each time I visit him.

Just a little end-note, some of this entry seems to be quite selfish and self-centred – I want someone to understand me etc. The truth is that’s only half of the picture. I don’t only want someone to understand me, but I want them to want the same. When I join with someone in intimacy, I become deeply interested in them and their perception of life. I want to hear about their own abstracts and expressions, it’s something I hunger for. I want them to be able to talk just as much as I will, and be willing to step out into that level of vulnerability that comes with sharing one’s soul.

That really is what I want before I die, to truly, deeply know and love someone. If I can do that, then I think I won’t have done too badly at all.