Small steps

Thinking back over the time leading up to being diagnosed as bipolar-schizophrenic, I recall many times where I would feel happy for no reason, I often wrote about it here and in my other diary. This whole experience has made me question everything, as it naturally would, however one thing in particular that goes through a validation process of sorts, are the inspirations for each feeling at the polar opposites of the scale, both good and bad. Often I need to evaluate why it is I’m feeling a particular way.
Add to this the nature of taking medication, I’m currently on three different drugs, quite a relief from the five I started with. Many of my moods were and possibly still are semi-artificial in regards to being controlled by medicated chemicals rather than my own.

Today I’m feeling happy.

I’m feeling so happy that I feel like falling in love.
My thoughts today are filled with lying in lover’s arms, playful whispers and lingering kisses, laughter and long, involved conversations.
Last night I bought an electronic drum-kit which I may be happy about, but this happy? Perhaps. Work is going very well after a change in my role, now much better than it was two months ago – is this contributing?

Being mentally ill makes me tread cautiously through emotional territory. It is all at once a strange and peculiar experience for me, and like all things I find engaging, I feel inspired to share it. I want to explain it at great length to someone, and hopefully fall in love with them at the same time.

I’ve always been in love with life, whether I had a partner or not, and while there are few certainties when living with an illness like this, one thing is for sure, I’ve been cut off from the simple, powerful joy of living.
Perhaps that is what I’ve finally regained today.