relevance

One and only warmth

I’m beginning to understand one of the reasons I love Texhnolyze so much. At the conclusion of the presentation, all of the central characters fully understand their situation, but they know that destruction is innevitable. Here we have two amazingly polar emotions existing in the same context; the absolute joy of comprehension, the eurphoric ‘click’ I’ve written about before, and the absolute grief and sorrow at the loss of all things beautiful.

This would be precisely how I feel right now.

The more I understand about what has happened, the more I mourn what has been lost. As I make more sense of it, it becomes more and more painful to live with.

Time for blooming flower

In the wake of what has happened, all of the other things in my life both give me about as much joy and as much grief. Joy that they are good things and that they inspire me so much, grief that I can no-longer share them or translate the emotions into lovers’ dialect to share the idea, if not the direct experience. She was so important to me. I loved her so much that rescaling the rest of life in importance was an easy thing. Now that we’ve separated, I’m left with all of these things reduced in value; not to invalidate them outright – each of them is an important and treasured part of my life, but they had changed in context with the presence of a most precious lover. This is part of how one shares oneself, and as I write that, I realise that she may never have really shared herself much at all.

Walking through the empty age

She was never a malicious person, and I know that her intentions were never to do harm to me; nevertheless here I am, wounded and fallen. While I still had the energy, I was angry. Now I’m growing so so tired, so exhausted by all of the negative emotions swirling inside me; emotions that were all positive while we were together, such amazing sources of inspiration and life. I’m finding it difficult to spend time with my dearest friends, people I know and love so much. They are each of them being greatly supportive, but such has been my loss that I cannot bear to spend too much time in the relaxed habit of firm friendship. Unbeknownst to their very good and appreciated intentions, they serve as temporary distractions from my grief, and I do not wish to dishonour them so, even if that is their intention to help me. I’ve spent much of my time at home by myself, listening to music, writing and watching anime. This experience has made me the most insulate I’ve ever been since I was severely ill, and I’m reminded of a piece I wrote some time ago regarding a sense of being severed from all of those around me. Strangely enough at the time, it was one my partner greatly misunderstood – ironic then, that she should ultimately become the reason for this feeling I had forseen back when I wrote it.

In light of all things said, as I’ve written about before, I’ve learnt to celebrate all feelings equally, those both uplifting and depressing. In the most ultimate sense, I am glad I’m feeling the way I am. Grief like this is rare indeed, and has as much to teach us as the very highest heights of joy, and I am taking great care not to inhibit this sadness or overlook the many facets of it which I know I will only be able to see while I’m deeply in it.

As ever, I maintain the hope that these experiences will be ones I will share in the most intimate sense with a lover, perhaps someone who will openly share their own emotions and experiences with me.

(titles in italics copyright Yoshitoshi ABe and Rondo Robe)