Only one

– What?
— Nevermind.
– No um…
Pause
— The others wouldn’t ask.
Inhale
– They wouldn’t?
Blink
– They haven’t?
— Perhaps they just haven’t yet.
– No I mean they hadn’t, I was surprised but that also works. Perhaps they just haven’t yet.
Blink
For the first time in years, literally years, I’m looking forward to sleep
It’s tiring me out
– Is that because I’m here?
Look up
— You mean looking forward to sleep or the tiredness?
– I meant the tiredness. Well, no…
— You don’t make me tired.
Inhale
Exhale
— I wish you could stay.
– Is that what you want?
Yes
— Yes.
– Heard the first time.
— I needed to say it.
Pause
– That’s a big deal.
Close lips
Breathe through the nose
– I was going to say that I wanted to stay.
Yeah
That makes sense
She’s talking about something else
I know what she’s talking about
I wish they could all stay
And then I could go
I can give them my life
All the things I’ve crafted with it
– Those are your things.
It doesn’t matter
– But it does matter. You’re proud of them. I’m proud of them.
I’m glad to hear it
They have an exact weight
Measurable
She may know the sum-total weight of everything
– I don’t know about that.
Gathering up all of these things
Translating beauty into beauty
— Just less accessible.
She smiles
Ducks her head into her palm
I smile at her
– But your eyes are tired.
She can see it in the skin between the outer corner of my eyes and the temples
— I always wanted to give you away.
– Why?
She knows I’ve always wanted to give her away
— So that someone could do something beautiful with you.
– I want to stay with you.
— I imagine you do your own thing, when you’re not here. I want you to do those things.
– I make a choice to come here.
This is unclear to me
I don’t understand a single thing about how she is
What she does
– That’s alright. You don’t have to understand.
This is a conversation too close to something I would idealise
– Naturally.
That still doesn’t make sense to me
And I’m tired, and perhaps she knows how tired I am
– I notice these things.
I try and think of someone to give her to
– What is this romantic notion of possession in any case?
Slightly playful
There is no possession
— I want you to be happy.
I’m very serious
– That is my business.
She is very serious
I close my eyes
Exhale through the nose
– You should honour my choice to come here.
— Of-course.
– I know you do.
She gets up
Walks to me
Looks at the words
But I don’t say anything
So I leave it
And I leave out the gestures between us
– It’s not just life that has a momentum, you’re propelling yourself.
I am
Burning all of this excess that I have
I cannot ignore the slight fear I feel in the notion of embracing sleep
What that means historically
– What it has meant historically.
When you’re in-love, you sleep more.
Granted, not so much an improvement on quality of sleep, but it is generally better.
I don’t want to understand it tonight
Vaguely I think she knows I don’t want to understand it
I’m going to have a shower and go to bed
And if you were here I wouldn’t have said a word
Not today
Not after all the life I’ve lived
Have had to live
Have chosen to live
– Hush now.
Enough
I have knowingly driven myself with the sole purpose of creating the deficit that necessitates sleep
My last thought is a recurring dream
In which I have run out of the energy and enthusiasm required to talk to people
Even someone who loves me
– That’s enough. Turn it off.