one hour’s sleep

i don’t think it’s ever worried me.  it seems to worry a whole bunch of other people.  mind you, it can make life interesting when you have a job to go to – a job that actually is quite good but you’ve only just started, so it’s not exactly savvy to take a personal day or so.

punishment.
is that what it is?  i don’t know.  how much coffee did i drink?  that doesn’t matter because coffee doesn’t keep me up.  it gives me energy.  perhaps it’s perceived energy.  perhaps that was the problem.  minds will think i suppose if they’re in the habit, and provided with the right mixture of external events, internal pain and fuel in the form of coffee and music, i suppose it was predictable i wouldn’t have slept much at all.  i was quite proud of being responsible and in bed by 1am, but to no avail.

punishment?
am i punishing myself.  i don’t think so – not that the thought causes me any concern whatsoever.  now comes the very dangerous period where one feels close to nothing.  that’s familiar.
and it reminds me of being horribly ill.
so i ask the voices in my head ‘am i getting sick again?’
and you know, this one that’s been around for a while says ‘no man, of-course not’ – but see, i know that voice.  a strong voice.  a caring voice, but nevertheless one that did not find it necessary to speak until i became horribly ill.  this is the voice that speaks to other humans, interacts with them, with words and actions that i often don’t remember because my consciousness was in one corner of my headspace or another at the time.
‘but then why are you here?’
‘relax man, i’m on your side remember?  i’m here to tell you it won’t happen again, not like last time.  you’ll be fine.’
multiple personality?  hardly.  perhaps i’m just a bit more honest about the personifications of my thoughts, emotions and meditations.  or more abstract about them at least.  how post-modern.  but i love being abstract – it’s not my fault that it’s in fashion.

the disorientation comes from having an hour’s sleep and not feeling tired when you wake.  see, because that’s not natural.  the body needs rest.  the mind needs rest.  but see, i’ve had to do this before, albeit much more drastic at the time.  my body and mind have had to reconcile themselves to the fact that they will not receive rest.  it will simply not happen.  there are things that need to be done during the day, and so this is what is necessary in order to cope.  how quickly i am able to adapt – and only a few months ago i was talking about things affecting my sleeping pattern and my cycles becoming more regular and beneficial.

you don’t understand.  you may have experienced things similar or worse, but you don’t understand.  and no-one is asking you to.  no-one is asking you to appreciate it either.  it’s just entertaining.  interesting.  and for me to examine it with my conscious mind gives me something to do with the five hours i would normally be sleeping.  at best i was getting six on average.  thursday night being excluded as i sleep from roughly eleven to seven, but was so exhausted from such horrible grief that the sleep was rendered totally useless and may as well not have happened at all.  on reflection that’s not entirely true, as the body did rest i suppose, but then again, not from the rigours of day.  additional to that was my almost relapse-esque crying fit, which drained me so completely i could no longer move.

what drama.  it seems like it should be dramatic.  i’ll have to wait and trust that feeling will return.  there is no blame here.  it’s no-one’s fault.  this simply happens to me, and i continue to cope with it as best i can.  you can figure it out to whatever degree you want, or not at all.  it doesn’t matter.  because it’s here and i’m alive and i am left to do my best.  when it’s all over, then perhaps i’ll feel bad or hurt about it.

this is what happens when you pour everything you have into what ends up being a deep bottomless meaningless chasm.  but i won’t stop.  even if it were to cost me a hundred fold what it has already numerous times in the past.  i will do nothing in half-measures.  and i will live to beyond my fullest – even if it claims the very life i live.

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Commentary
April 24, 2010

Simply put, many of these issues can be addressed with wisdom; wisdom being something that comes in time. Five years on not much has changed as far as sleeping goes, but the matter of pouring one’s self into something that ultimately ends up being costly and damaging; I’ll stop short of saying it definitely won’t happen again, just that it’s less likely.

Perhaps that’s the stubbornness and almost superhuman vitality of youth – to do extraordinary things that are on reflection unreasonable and possibly dangerous, be that danger physical or in this case, emotional.

I’ve never once in my life wanted to be younger. The older I get, the more I like myself – youth was almost entirely a waste of time.