Of a sudden

(allow me my romantic indulgences…)

– I can’t believe you.
– Why not?
– Don’t ‘Why not?’ me, you don’t even know what I’m talking about.
– True, but I thought I’d ask anyway.
– You’re supposed to be more surprised than that.
– Sorry?
– You’re not supposed to know what I’m talking about… yet.
– Alright – try it again.
– I can’t believe you.
– What do you mean?
– Much better.
– Thank you. What can’t you believe?
–
–
– Oh god – and you’re still doing it.
– Doing what?
– Doing that thing where you have the patience of a saint.
– That’s probably because I have the patience of a saint.
– Don’t be funny, I’m trying to be serious.
– Is there something you want to say to me?
– Yes. No.
–
– Shut up.
– I didn’t say anything.
– You did so, I can hear you thinking.
– I’ll try and think more quietly.
– Don’t be funny.
– Sorry.
– Yes – I do have something to say to you.
– Alright.
– I just don’t know what it is. I mean I do know what it is, sort-of, I just don’t really know how to say it. Or something.
–
– Don’t raise your eyebrow at me.
–
– Can you at least act a little disoriented? Please? For my sake?
– I’m not entirely sure I can.
– Goddamnit please? Just for me?
– How long have we known each-other?
– I mean it’s not like I’m… scared or anything…
– You’re not listening to me again.
– Shit – I mean, not scared, but more…
– It’s a bad habit you have when you’re scared; you don’t listen to me.
– I’m not scared I said… and what? What? What? What did you say?
– OK just relax alright, you’re making me laugh with all of your panic stricken behaviour.
– I’m not panic-stricken alright. I’m not. I’m not, just… Shut up, don’t laugh at me. It’s disarming.
– Don’t you want to be disarmed?
– … Yes. No! Not right now, not… yet… oh shit.
– Look just settle down.
– OK.
– All settled?
– OK. Yes. No. Yes – enough.
–
– I’ll try.
– Very good.
– Hey don’t do that – don’t… don’t – hijack this conversation.
– Sorry.
– Don’t take control of the conversation from the panic-stricken counterpart who isn’t panic stricken by the way.
– Of-course.
– Don’t laugh. I’m not stricken… just a little bit.
– How long have we known each-other?
– This is what you asked before?
– Forget before, just answer the question.
– Um… two years.
– Gee, I’m glad you enjoyed them so much you remembered quickly.
– Oh my god shut-up, I had to think about it OK? A lot of stuff was happening back then, and a lot of stuff has happened since.
– Of-course.
– That’s a bad habit you have you know.
– What’s that?
– Being funny when I’m… worried about something.
– That’s because I respond to it so naturally; you’re cute when you worry.
– See and that’s another bad habit.
– Hmm?
– Complementing me when I’m screwing up.
– And how are you screwing up?
– That’s another bad habit – goddamnit.
– What is it this time?
– The way you can just change over to being serious at the drop of a hat.
–
– And with the eyebrow-raising – it’s disarming OK?
–
– It really is.
– Sorry then. Honestly, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.
– I mean, aren’t you even remotely scared?
– Yeah sure.
– I mean… what?
– Of-course I’m scared.
– … really?
– Yes, absolutely.
– … of what… exactly?
– Oh no, no getting the answer out of me first, this is supposed to be your conversation.
– Just answer the question… I mean, please. Sorry – just… it’s important.
– (exhale) Alright. I really like you. I love the way we relate. I love the way we fight, even the really big ones. We’ve been friends for ages and I’m falling in love with you. What makes me afraid? Well, I’m uncertain as to how you feel, even if we did end up together, will it last? Will it ruin a great friendship – all of the normal questions.
– But… No but that’s unfair, you don’t even sound scared.
– No I assure you I do, we know a lot about each-other but this is what I’m like when I’m afraid. There are a whole bunch of things you don’t know about me you know, and that I don’t know about you.
– … goddamnit.
– What?
– You’re so honest all of the time.
– Another bad habit?
– Yeah… it really is.
– Haha.
– Don’t laugh – it’s so disarming… I feel so… accepted.
– Gee, wouldn’t want to feel that.
– Yeah I know, I know – you’re so… you’re so together it seems.
– Not at all, and you know better than that. How often do we fight? And how often am I childish and stubborn? Unfair and dismissive?
– True.
– We’re not perfect, but that’s a good thing. It’s natural, it’s ordinary, and in that way it makes us great… if you’ll allow me my grand, sweeping comments…
– Haha – yeah. You’re making me laugh again.
– … truly I’m sorry – if you don’t like it that is. It’s just so easy for me to respond to you.
– Yeah… I don’t know what to do.
– What do you mean?
– I mean… I just don’t know what to do.
– Well, don’t do anything yet, or at all. There’s no pressure. Think about it, see if you can work yourself to becoming comfortable with some course of action or another.
– See you can’t do that. I’m not convinced that you’re afraid at all.
– Oh?
– God – I’ve been… at home I don’t know what to do with myself, I pace around…
– There’ve been plenty of signs, you just haven’t been paying attention.
– I mean, I have to walk into every room and it’s weird. It’s weirding me out, and my flatmate too,
– And you’re not listening to me again.
– I keep eating the strangest food that sometimes, I don’t even like,
– You’re really not listening to me at all.
– I don’t even know what it is half of the time… what? What are you staring at me like that for?
– Can I get a word in?
– No! Yes – sorry, oh my god I keep doing that.
– You know how I told you I haven’t been sleeping?
– You haven’t?
– Tell me you don’t remember.
– No I do, sorry. Yes. You haven’t been sleeping well for like the last six months…
–
– Six months?
–
– Oh my god…
–
– Oh my god that’s… oh my god.
– I just lie there and think about you and all of the possibilities, good and bad – you know those fantasies where you just think about doing nothing together and it feels so good, almost like the real thing. Then you think about everything that can go wrong, all the reasons it won’t work.
– Oh my god.
– Please stop saying that. I’ve been going through all of my DVDs you know, with all of these brilliant, shining romances in them and seeing myself, translating us into every one of their highly unrealistic yet heart-warming situations…
–
–
– Six months?
– Yeah.
– … I’m so stupid.
– Don’t do that.
– Oh my god I’m so stupid.
– Come-on now. Don’t pursue that line of thinking.
– I’ve been torturing you.
– I’ve been torturing myself.
– You really did that?
– Yeah.
– You stayed up at night thinking about me?
– Yeah.
– Watching all of those movies?
– Yeah.
– God that’s so cute – like high-school cute.
– Yeah I know.
– It’s really… sweet.
– Thank you.
–
–
– I’m going to kiss you.
– Oh?
– And please don’t read too much into it.
– Alright.
– Just – don’t take it to be anything more than… that I’m totally and absolutely falling in love with you too.

– You’re laughing at me again.
– I’m not…
– Don’t lie, you’re laughing on the inside.
– I am.
– Why?
– How panic stricken were you just now?
– Not at all.
– You were.
– I wasn’t!
– Were so.
– I wasn’t at all… I love the taste of you.
– Really?
– Yeah – more.

– I wasn’t panic-stricken.
– Whatever you say…