I am in search of an experience

What experience you say?
Hmmm.
It is a difficult yearning to express in words. It isn’t fear exactly I search for, or terror, but these things perhaps contain trace-elements that may be ingredients that contribute to this mysterious phenomenon.

I have been watching Japanese horror films, for lack of a better term, even though they aren’t really horror-like, and they are also perhaps onto something. I’ve seen Ring, Dark Water, Reincarnation, and am looking for Ju-on, but none of these are actually very scary, either taht or I’m just immune to them. Speaking to Chibi-R, he suggests that horror films on the whole are made more to be fun, which I can appreciate, but I am actually in pursuit of a real heightened state of awareness. I want a film that is more quiet, much more foreboding, and much more serious than its horror cousins. Chibi-R immediately said Inland Empire, a David Lynch film which both he and I love. True enough, Inland Empire and Mulholland Drive both contain a fair amount of ingredients that contribute to this feeling I’m in pursuit of.

I’ve been walking in the city at night, around lonely work-sites and sprawling suburbs. I’ve paused in shattered public bathrooms where tiles crack and decay and air-conditioning vents sigh with their eternal exhale, I’ve spent hours in hospitals day and night, been driving alone through rural areas…

I wonder what it is I’m after…

–

I just figured out what it is. I’m looking for a mirror for the way I feel when I’m ill. I wonder why that is. Perhaps all of this normality is getting to me.
I think it’s time to see my doctor.