Friday Pragmatism | For my father

Today a discussion on video-gaming reminded me of a conversation that I had with my father when I was quite young, perhaps at the age of fourteen or thereabouts. I reflect on the relationship I have with him.

I’ve always been extremely close to dad, even at our worst times or when we seemed to be at such extreme odds, we were close even then; such great conflict was a part of our closeness and we both treasure it. I’ve had thoughts of humility when thinking on our relationship together in the past, and today was perhaps less of an astonishing realisation and more of a pragmatic one. I come to realise just how astoundingly great our love for one-another is, and just how massive a role his own behaviour was in establishing it.

What I realise today is that there has never been any subject that has been taboo between us. Not sex, violence, religion, art, film, games, society, politics, finance, comedy both artistic and natural, nature… there is absolutely nothing that he didn’t talk to be about or discourage me to discuss. Violence in video-games was a good one, probably the first I really remember clearly. There was just never any air of judgement or even clear morality. It was an open discussion about why we sometimes enjoy seeing and playing fictional depictions of violence, and covered a wide variety of topics including how we distinguish between the actions we see and play, and the actions we accept as real options for behaviour in the real-world. Since then he’s often openly questioned the possible influence of violence in media and I’ve not gotten my back up and launched into how misunderstood it is, and he knows he can have this kind of dialogue with me because he established the groundwork for open and transparent discussion.

Sex has been an amazing one; I don’t ever recall any awkwardness between us. Like alcohol and violent media, sex was discussed as a normal topic of conversation without any change in tone, nothing forced and everything openly challenged. We would and still to this day talk about sex with much the same approach that we talk about finance or technology or the newest funny 25 second clip we’ve just seen on You Tube. Of-course we’re not flippant about the subject, but nor are we over-serious unless the subject-matter, abuse for example, warrants it.

I realise this has been something that dad has very carefully and intentionally built for us; a sense of equality, earnestness, curiosity and open discussion.

We don’t always agree on everything, but neither of us is particularly bothered by it, often finding ourselves encouraged by such a contrast in perspectives. We never feel that we are qualifying ourselves in search of validation nor of convincing the other to agree with our own perspective.

One thing that did take me a long time to accept is that my father simply knows certain things from being around for longer than I, but I guess because of the kind of person I am, I actually needed some kind of practical proof. I got my proof, several times over and continue to see it. Again, he’s not been right about everything which is natural, just as I’m not right about everything; no-one ever is, but I’ve seen many things come to pass in my own life, his life and our separate experiences that are very much in-line with some of the ideas he shared with me when I was very young. I’ve often marvelled that during a detailed conversation with one of my dearest friends, I will be thinking on a subject and make a statement only to later realise that the exact same principle, sometimes even almost word-for-word, was something that my father first introduced to me so many years ago when I was a very different person indeed.

He has a very high bullshit tolerance though. I don’t know if that’s because he’s an exceptionally patient man, certainly wise, or whether it’s because of how much he loves his family. He’s heard me say a lot of stupid things, things that now of-course I would never say, but I don’t regret it – once again, such things are natural in life. I’ve also directly challenged some of his ideas and found my own way totally different to his perspectives, but at no point have I found his perspectives invalid. He has always shown me the utmost respect, even through my relatively turbulent youth, and so I naturally afford him the same respect and regard.

I’ve always loved dad immensely, always respected him, but today for no other reason other than my daily experiences I write this entry to record my sense of honour and thankfulness to him and of-course mum who’s right beside him. They’re wonderful parents, and while I would not say that I am a religious person, in this regard I believe that saying I feel blessed would not be inappropriate. These liberties, disciplines and encouragement they have given me for no reason other than that I am their son and that they love me.
For that I am humbly grateful, and immensely proud.