Fragments of Etienne

There’s a quiet thump against the door
I hear it as I wake
Or it wakes me
Sliding sound against the thinly wood
I haul myself upright
Go to the door
Hand on the handle
— No wait,
Comes her voice, muffled from the other side
Movement
Shuffling sounds on the carpet
Apply force against the spring handle
She is turning and stops when she faces me
– Were you sitting against the door?
— Yes.
Blink
– You can come in.
— I know, I, you know…
No, I don’t know
— How are you?
She rarely asks
I realise I haven’t asked myself
– I’m not really thinking about that.
Tomorrow comes as an interruption
— That’s why I came tonight.
Open mouth
Close mouth
She opens it again
— Tonight, specifically.
Hand on the door
– Alright.
She put her hands on my neck
Fingers at the base of the skull
Thumbs pressing lightly at the jaw
I can hear her inhale
— Aren’t you worried?
She can’t look at me
Looks down at my sternum
– I don’t want you to cry, to get upset.
— No no, it’s alright, um,
There isn’t any moisture in her eyes
But they dart about
Her hands though, are sure
– I can’t make promises.
Inhale
— You shouldn’t feel like you should have to.
– I would like to make you promises.
She looks up at me
— That’s very kind.
And all of her sass is gone
She is shifting, as she does at times like these
— How many more?
– What?
— Times like these?
I close my eyes
She moves a hand to my forehead
– I don’t know.
And all of the living replaced by things with no context
No relevance
She steps close to me
Small breasts brushing against my chest
Hand over my collarbone, wrist over my shoulder
Looking past me at the walls
— They’ve been painted.
– Yes.
— I think you should start the wall of doors.
I think about the practical issues
Digital photographs
A decent printer
— They’re not important.
It’s true, they aren’t
And again I take my cues from a place outside of myself
— It doesn’t matter.
– No, it probably doesn’t.
And she embraces me
Such fear and hope so rarely felt from her
I begin to think of what it would take to remain with her forever
The things I would give up seem valueless
— Tonight is not the time to make that decision.
If she says so, it must be true