cycle zero

Yesterday I came to work, got everything important out of the way in two and a half hours, then went home.
To say that I’m not coping would be slightly illusory. This is how I cope. There’s a clear difference between being sorrowful and not coping. In the past, when I didn’t cope, I didn’t function.
This is a fair bit easier.
That being said, it’s still extremely difficult. Coping means shutting myself away for as long as possible, for example during my lunch break when I drive to the beach and sit in the car by myself, and thinking things over. Often times at lunch I settle down into a rest similar to sleeping, and as I may or may not have mentioned before, I tend to get more rest from doing that for 45 minutes than actually sleeping at night. I did fear that the cure for my six-year-long sleeping problems would disolve along with the relationship I’ve just exited, but my body seems to have learnt and my mind too. In this way too I can feel the difference between not sleeping well now because I’m distressed, and how I was in times gone by when I either didn’t sleep at all, or the sleep I did have didn’t provide any rest.

Endings without resolutions are the most terrible things to deal with. The potential for comprehension is minimised, and in many ways made impossible. Suffice to say that from a personal perspective, it is something I would never inflict upon anyone else; I simply believe people deserve to be honoured and respected more than that.

There are so many people wandering around life not knowing who they are, what they want. I’m all for experimentation, but I don’t believe it’s something that should be done with other people’s lives.