Birthday wishes

(This is my birthday present to myself, and much preferred to money, clothes or dinners – I should know, I know myself best. It’s not all fiction, but it is indeed a huge helping of self-indulgent, wildly stylised romance. As it is for my birthday, you will all tolerate it with great forbearance.)

Door slides open
– Hey I found you.
– Indeed you did.
– What are you doing out here?
– Not being in there with everyone else.
– Is that a suggestion to leave?
– Of-course not, not you. If I didn’t want to you to find me, you wouldn’t have found me.
Door slides closed.
– Oh?
– I’ve been sending my brain-waves to you all night.
– I think it worked. Mind if I sit down?
– Not at all.
– It’s midnight, happy birthday.
Kisses on the cheek
– Thanks – everyone’s here for her birthday though.
– Yes, but some of us know it’s yours too. We were there for the combined parties way back remember.
– Yeah. I don’t mind that the rest don’t know though, it’s not something I like drawing attention to.
– The people who count know.
– Thanks, truly.
– You’re welcome. I’m sure she’ll hunt you down too, and the other few guys.
Leaning slightly
– Hey do you want a – oh you’re right for drinks.
– Indeed I am.
– That’s your new favourite word – term, isn’t it? ‘Indeed’?
– Yes.
– I like it. It suits you.
– Thanks.

Turning heads
Eye contact
Questioning
Resistance
– You’re withdrawing.
– I’m withdrawing – yes I am.
– Even from me.
Breaking eye-contact, looking ahead
– For different reasons, I was hoping you’d know why.
– It can be hard to tell you know.
– Yeah well, I’ve been wanting to tell you about it, but you know, seems like whenever I see you there’s a crowd of a hundred people.
– Yeah it’s really been annoying me too.
Eyebrows
– Oh?
– I like you, you know.
– Yeah.
– No as in I really like you.
– … You do?
– Yeah. Yes.
– Hm.
– Indeed I do.
Eye contact
Vulnerability
– … That’s why I’m withdrawing from you.
– Because you don’t like me?
– No because I like you so much.
– You’re trying to protect me?
– Yeah I am. You weren’t around, before, when things were bad.
– I wish I was.
Challenge in the tone of voice
– You think?
Challenge returned
– I’m not bullshitting you.
– Oh?
– You know sometimes I think that, say, if I’d not missed those first few parties years ago, or if I’d come around to one of those dinners that I didn’t ever go to, I might have caught you just before it happened, or something.
– You’re serious? You’re being honest?
Calmly
– Yes I am.
– … really?
– I think about it a lot.
– Wow that’s… surprising, I think.
– Can I hold your hand?
– What? Yes – yes of-course.

– You know I had a swing just like this, on the pergola of the house I grew up in.
– Really?
– I miss this gentle rocking motion, it’s very soothing. I think if we’d not gotten rid of it when I was older I would have spent a lot of time on it.
– What did you do instead?
– Mm – same as now, withdraw, go for walks – by myself, meditate in the dark, write.
A drink is put down
The freed hand comes to join the one that is held
Exploring
Caressing
From the back of the fingers, palm, to the forearm
– That whole thing about protecting you,
– Yes?
– It’s not some kind of masculine ego thing.
– No I’m sure it isn’t.
– I mean, sure, I probably have naturally protective instincts towards you, but more than that –
Head turn
Eyebrows
Refusal to make eye-contact
Pursuit
– Can I be with you?
– What?
– When it happens. If it happens. I don’t want you to withdraw from me.
– Why?
– I want to see it.
– So you can help me? You can’t help me, believe me. I can’t ask you to do that.
– You aren’t asking me to do that. I’m asking you. It’s my choice.
Disorientation
No response
– I might not be able to help you, but I can… share it… if I can be so conceited to use the term.
No response

– Is this too confrontational?
– To me? Remember who you’re talking to. No, no I’m – I’m stunned.
Time to listen.
– Why would you want to do that? I mean, have you heard what it was like? When I was sick?
– A little. I know you know word gets around, I’m not going to treat you like I think you’re stupid. The others have told me little bits, your brother too, even your dad a bit last time I saw him.
– Yeah.
– I know it’s no fun.
– Yeah.
– And I’m sure that’s not the half of it. What I’ve heard… I mean.
– Yeah. It isn’t. Whatever they told you.
Pride
– I know why that is you know, I’m not quite as ignorant as everyone else.
– Oh?
– There wouldn’t be any way for you to… show.. anyone. Really.
Distorted vision, the beginning of tears
– Hey.
Sniff
– Hey see. I’m sorry.
– What the hell are you sorry for?
– See I don’t want you thinking about it.
– It’s too late for that.
– I don’t want you going away and losing sleep and banging your head against the wall looking for a solution – this isn’t happening to you, it needn’t happen to you. It’s my thing, I have to deal with it.
– It is happening to me, silly.
– What?
– I mean – it’s not happening to me it’s just…
– You need to drop it. You need to let it go and walk away.
– Shut-up will you?
Direct challenge
But the hand is only clenched more tightly
Disorientation
– It’s my choice.
No response
– I made it. You can’t unmake it for me – and before you start up, I know it’s a choice I have to continually make, every day, every hour, and it’s not something I can just think I’ve committed to once.
No response
– See I know how you think. I’ve made that choice. I’ve been making it for the last six months.
No response
– I’ve been making it since you’ve drawn away from us, away from me.
No response
– I miss you so much.
Tears
– I can’t bare it.
Clenching
– I don’t know what I can do but I can’t bare to be away from you for so long. God. I haven’t spoken to you in seven weeks.
– … I’m sorry.
– Don’t be sorry, I know what you’re doing.
Time to speak
To bring to light all treasures
– I know that it’s bad for you, or it feels bad, being around all of these people, how unaware they are. I know that. I know what you’re doing.
No response
– I just…
A hand in the darkness
Caressing the skin by the eye
Touching tears that silently trace paths of moisture on skin in the darkness
– Oh god I feel so vulnerable.
– What do you mean?
– I know it’s stupid. You’re the one who’s… going through this horrible thing and you’re fighting everyone back and it must be terrible…
– I don’t want to fight you back.
– I don’t know what to do.
– I don’t want to withdraw from you.
– I don’t… and I know there’s nothing I can do and it’s stupid. I just…
Tears
Rush of thoughts
– We had dinner you know? And things were going so well and I really you know, began to think about how much we’d grown to know about each-other over the last few years.
No response
– And then you started to fade away from everyone and your brother and these guys start to get you know, that way people get when they know something about someone that they can’t tell anyone and I hated it.
No response
– I hated not being included in that. I hated not knowing until months later.
– Hey shhh. Please don’t be upset.
– I hated that feeling of not being able to do anything.
– Hey hey hey.
Shifting body-weight
Embrasure
Clutching tightly at shoulders and waists
– It felt like you were disappearing – it feels like you’re disappearing, even tonight.
– I’m sorry.
– I just wanted to see you and touch you and make sure you were still here.
Silence
Only the gentle rocking of the swing
Tears
The slight pressure of hands moving slowly over bodies
– I’m sorry.
– Stop apologising. What on earth do you have to apologise for?
– I had no idea. I mean, it’s hard for me to you know, keep aware of too many things, but I didn’t know. Hearing this now, I would have liked to know.
– Really?
– Yeah it helps. And not just that – it’s not all about actions and reactions to this sickness. I want to know – these things about you.
No response
– I wanted to know all about you, I’m sorry I suppose I’m just used to making that decision, to hide it from everyone and not make it their problem. It was a lot like heartbreak, giving you up, but I don’t want you to see this. I still don’t. Even now.
– Please don’t hide it from me.
– I don’t know.
– You’re not doing this to me. I’m doing it to myself. I know that.

– I’m doing it because I love you so much.

– I’m sorry if that complicates things for you, maybe I can’t help but be this selfish. I don’t know. I don’t…
Silence
– I don’t expect you to habitually respond with ‘I love you too’ like people do. Um, I don’t know why I said it anyway – sorry. Sorry this probably doesn’t help…
Shifting body weight
Drawing back slightly to make eye-contact
– You can send me away now if you like…
– Can you please stop trying to work all the angles?
– … what?
– Just… be still for me for a minute.
– … Um, OK.
Staring
Staring
Staring
In the darkness, eyes that catch the pale lights coming from the house
Absolute stillness

And then the kiss

– Why are you crying too now? Did I make you cry?
– I don’t want to hurt you.
– I know.
– I don’t want you to see this.
– I know.
– I really don’t want you to have to go through it. You… I don’t think you know what you’re in for if you choose this.
– Yeah, yes – yes I know. I mean I don’t know – it’s scary. I’m scared.
– I mean, this isn’t about the normal worries people have about you know, whether things will work out, whether the other one will turn out to be a real bastard, this is a very real, and very immediate thing.
– Yes. I know that, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
Pause
– I want you to show it to me.
No response
– I want to know about it, if you’ll share it with me. If you can. I want to know everything about it.
– … why? Why would anyone want to know about something so horrible?
– Because it’s a part of you, it’s what’s made you into this wonderful person I’ve fallen in love with, who’s fallen in love with me.
– I don’t think I could bare it, hurting someone I love so much.
– Let me make that decision when the time comes. I understand why you don’t want anyone to see it,
– No hang the rest of them. You – you specifically. I didn’t want you to see it. I wanted to take care of it and then, I don’t know – come back. And be well. And make sense, so that I could love you.
No response
– So that I could love you as much as it feels like I do.
Pause
– This is part of you, and it isn’t going to go away.
Pause
– Love me with it.
Tears
– I won’t do that to you.
– I’m asking you to. Love me with this thing that happens to you. Let me see it.
Tears
– I want to carry you.
Whispers
– I can’t ask you to do that.
– I’m asking you if I can do it.
Fear and hope
Desperation
Disorientation between wanting to preserve and protect fragility, and embracing possibility
Awareness of the closeness of physical bodies
– Will you let me love you?
No response
– Please.
– Forgive me.
– No, there’s nothing to forgive.
– There is – you don’t understand what it’s like. I don’t know if I can keep it from you. I have to try and make a rational, sensible decision now, while I can still…
Pause
The quietest of whispers, almost inaudible
– Please.
Almost snatched away by the stillness of the night
– Please let me love you.
Exhale
No more words