Australian humour | traffic advisories

On my drive to work this morning, the traffic advisory sign had lit in red LED’s, HEAVY. I thought to myself, we should really be more honest with these things, to better reflect the reality of the situation. Instead of light, medium and heavy, I propose the following terms;

Sweet-As – Lit in green, for when you get a dream run and there’s no traffic whatsoever. A lovely term borrowed from our awesome, good-as-gold New Zealand cousins.
A Bit Fucked – Lit in amber, for when the traffic is building up. Not quite bumper-to-bumper, but certainly not Sweet As.
Total Ratshit Lit in red, for when you have no hope of getting anywhere on time, and changing lanes is something akin to a fencing match.

See the following real-world conversation;
“Sorry I was late boss, the Westgate was Total Ratshit this morning.”
“You’re telling me, the Eastern was A bit Fucked, I was late in myself.”
“Well too bad for you two, the run on the Monash was Sweet-As.”

Now, aside from the very last statement being totally false, as the Monash is never sweet-as, these examples show how we really speak about the traffic in the morning, and if we saw our beloved colloquialisms lit up in neon on our road-signs, I’m sure that at least someone, somewhere, will crack a smile, even if the traffic is totally ratshit, and we all know that smiling drivers are safer.