at the end of the end

so i don’t like to write of endings much.  i like endings.  good endings deserve respect.  films, books, pieces of music.

a good story.

and sometimes i walk around and after no particular inspiration feel complete and ready to die.  not an impending feeling – just perhaps, an awareness.  perhaps in the tree of possibility at these moments i have died, and thus i close sections of my life.  reality operates in many ways, most likely in all of them actually.  don’t bother trying to count them, there are a lot.  trust me.  never do i feel a sense of loss.

it’s actually becoming quite difficult for me to feel deficiencies in any form of life – directly related to myself.  don’t be fool enough to interpret that as me saying i am perfect – you are equating two things that have nothing entirely to do with one another.  when i speak of deficiencies, i mean a lack of completion, accomplishment, fulfilment.  all of these things have actually become in great supply, readily available in abundance.  whenever i feel a moment of completion, i life continues to facilitate me growing beyond my understanding of it.  whenever i feel fulfilled, life offers me more and more.

hmmm – on reflection, there are several holes in this discussion that only those i speak with on a regular basis will be able to fill, as per my discussions with them.  oh-well – you’ll just have to learn for yourself – but you were never going to get out of it any other way.

______________________________

Commentary
March 28, 2010

This still happens, far more than I write about, and it began happening long before I started writing about it. I’ve had more deaths than I’ve recorded, than I remember. This is one of those things people either get or they don’t – it takes a very specific tilt of the mind and I’m beginning to suspect it may be genetic. Some people will never understand it – I need some kind of excuse not to blame them for it.